My girlfriend’s lost all motivation beyond clinging onto me. She complains about her job, but doesn’t look for a new one; about never seeing her friends, but doesn’t make the effort.

She claims family interest, but sees her parents only every six months. Complains about her figure, but sits watching TV, and eating junk food.

I love her, but question if she’s like this now, what will she be like if we marry, or have children? Should I get out now or try and make improvements?

Undecided

You’re “out” - emotionally – already. But since you love her, look closely and think hard: If she was different when you started dating, what’s caused her to change?

She may be depressed. It could have nothing to do with your relationship… e.g. a health reason, medications, and hormones. OR, it could be about silent dissatisfaction with your lifestyle together or the relationship itself, or insecurity about you.

My point: Talk to her, probe what’s caused her to be unmotivated. If none of the above apply, then say you’re frustrated with it all and need her to address her problems. If she does nothing, you know already that you’ll end it.

I’m a professional woman, late-40s, in a 13-year common-law relationship with a man who’s a chronic depressive. He’s not worked since almost the beginning; I’ve been supporting him.

He’s one of the brightest (genius) people I know. When well, he’s charming, humorous, and caring.

He’s severely scarred from an abusive alcoholic parent and another who abused him. He distrusts people and isolates himself, whereas I’m outgoing and optimistic.

His depression’s recurring increasingly despite psychotherapy and medications. He takes his meds, and would see his therapist more often than I can afford. He’s doing less around the house, which makes me resentful. He also suffers from diabetes and some complications.

I’ve often wanted out. I feel that I’m working so hard, and getting so little. When he’s unwell, there’s tons of criticism, guilt trips for me leaving home for work or being with my family (he won’t see them, they don’t like him much either). He’s sometimes very verbally aggressive.

I work six days weekly to support us both and the mortgage. Though I give him a generous monthly allowance, he now wants to take university courses as part of therapy, but when I suggested he pay from his allowance, he balked.

I feel like I’m depriving myself, doing little to further my own education, desires. I think that being out of this relationship will be much less lonely.

We tried couples counselling twice. He went, refused to discuss how I’m affected.

If I leave, I worry about finances (the house is my own, under title). My biggest fear is that he’ll commit suicide. He’s currently claiming that he’s suicidal, frustrated, and bored.

I have love and support from my closest friends.

Lonely Now

After 13 years, it’s not just a matter of saving yourself, though the desire is natural and understandable.

Make this tough decision based on solid information you gather from his doctor and therapist, your lawyer, and accountant. Most important, see an individual therapist alone, to navigate through the choices and possibilities.

You can’t be held hostage to his suicidal threats, but you can’t ignore them either. He’ll still need and have legal rights to some financial support, so you need to understand what’s ahead.

Meanwhile, through therapy, find ways to lift your own spirits and have some time for yourself.

FEEDBACK Regarding the man who proposed to a woman with a presentation of a bag of carrots (May 24):

Reader – “I think you left out one important point in your response. He said that he drank bourbon before each date, and had three bourbons drinks before driving to her office!

“You should have added: DO NOT DRIVE ANYWHERE AFTER DRINKING ALCOHOL! No woman wants to get serious with a man who would endanger her life and others by drinking and driving.”

Reader #2 – “Cultural differences aside, it's understandable why this man’s divorced. Hopefully he won't hurt anyone with his driving while under the influence of alcohol.”

Thanks to both of you for that very important add. I focused entirely on the fact he should leave this woman, who rejected him, alone. But you’re correct that everyone else needs to be saved from his drinking… and that of other alcohol-fuelled drivers!