I’m a 33-year-old man who believed that a woman I’ve dated throughout the pandemic, would be my long-term partner... until she showed me her bossy nature that she’d hidden till now.
She’s 32. We met online soon after the first lockdown started, when we each had realized that we’d be working from home, isolated and unable to have companionship, sex or romance.
When we clicked virtually, we took a couple months discussing how to “date.” Then we met in person and took walks together while masked and distanced. Then we held hands. We didn’t have full intimacy until we both had our first vaccine.
We were both so careful and practical about following protocols and staying safe that when we finally had sex, it was fantastic!
We’ve stayed committed to each other as things have opened up and we recently decided that she’d rent out her place and move into mine. That’s when her bossy instructions and demands began.
She wants to bring some furniture that doesn’t fit with mine, insists that I buy all new bedsheets/towels etc., has already moved a load of her clothing into my two closets, leaving little room for mine.
She’s also lectured me about why my cooking utensils all need to be replaced!
I had thought that I loved this woman and that we’d have a future together. Now, I’m very unsure about it.
Is it normal for some women to think they have a right to rule the home front? Was my pandemic partner hiding her nature until now, just to get through the tough period with someone? What do you advise?
This is a specific issue between you two, not a gender battle. Men are also capable of becoming controlling so let’s just deal with specific facts here.
She’s giving up her own place for rental income, and should be paying for or splitting costs on some new items - linens, pots - that are either needed or just wanted.
Recognize that just as you’re worrying about what this move entails, she may feel that she’s taking the bigger risk by leaving some previous comforts behind (e.g., some furniture).
As for clothes, she can buy a standing wardrobe for them and take less closet room from you.
Moving together is a big step that’s often somewhat scary at first. You’d both benefit from talking all this out together before anything is moved.
And your girlfriend should not give up her apartment until then.
Open a calm, practical discussion without blaming her or labelling her bossy. Just deal with the practicalities... if it’s a matter of her bringing something you don’t like or doesn’t fit, suggest selling it and buying something comfy together.
Also, consider agreeing to a three-month “settling in” period before looking around and replacing some things or enjoying what you have together.
The easy friendship I enjoyed with a close relative is breaking down. She’s blaming me for everything.
Her car broke down yesterday and she had me unpack my things and practically start walking, before she restarted it.
She said, "That's your fault." I knew she was wrong but said nothing.
I’m not expecting an apology but the friendship now includes blaming only me, not her other friends or relatives. What can I do?
Speak up. Tell her you don’t accept her constant blaming of you. If she argues/ persists, see less of this person. Her behaviour is not that of a friend, just an unpleasant/unkind relative.
FEEDBACK Regarding the husband who’s still angry that his wife had initially lied about being a virgin (Oct. 23):
Reader – “For 36 years he's been punishing her for something that happened 48 years ago. Unbelievable! She's been faithful ever since.
“I wonder what his premarital sex dance-card looks like. Since she knew he'd dump her if she told the truth, maybe she should’ve walked away from him then. He's been lucky she stayed this long.
“Yes, tell the truth before the wedding. But is it lying if it’s omission? Or none of his business what she did before marriage? He didn't say if they were exclusive before marriage.
“Did he ever lie to her? Yes, because if anyone says they've never lied, they are lying.”
Ellie - He didn’t kiss her again for several years though she’d been faithful ever since! And “intimacy was never the same,” he wrote. Such wasted time!
Tip of the day:
Moving in together may initially cause a couple to experience insecurity about sharing space and belongings.