I’m in a loving relationship; we’re “unofficially engaged,” waiting until after college. Everything’s fine but our intimate lives. 

We’re both 20, and I understand he’s supposedly at his “peak” but I’m being turned down. We’re only intimate once or twice monthly.

I’m worried what will happen down the line when I’m at my peak if he continues to turn me down. Shouldn’t this be the time we’re having the most fun?

- Frustrated

His sexual “peak” may be coinciding with his also experiencing a peak of pressure. Given the demands of college and a need to decide a career path, especially in light of looming plans to get officially engaged, he’s facing a lot of responsibility. Pressure can easily trump passion, if your lack of intimacy is becoming an open issue (or an unspoken divide in your relationship). 

For now, cuddle more, ask for sex less. Let intimacy be about sharing confidences, having quiet time and relaxing together.

If, after school’s over, this breach continues, seek couples’ counselling.

Don’t start planning a wedding date until you two are re-connected, to mutual satisfaction.

My son, 17, gave up on his studies, though he’d already been accepted into a degree course he wanted. He’d become very negative despite that he scored well in his entrance test for this course. 

His father kept telling him that he couldn’t make it for this coming year, because he wouldn’t pass his finals.

My son said that since that was the belief, “so be it.” He spent his time chatting with his girlfriend, who also didn’t encourage him.

I still feel torn between them. I try to be positive and encouraging. I know the negativity is affecting his self-esteem; he didn’t even seek a job for the summer.

- Worried Mom

Your husband is the one who’s failing his son, more than any low marks. This is when an older teenager needs encouragement most, while moving into the next phase of his life and preparation for a career. 

If Hubby’s discouragement comes from his own disappointments, he needs to work on his personal problems - preferably with professional help, since his attitude is so damaging to his son’s esteem.

But your son needs to know his future depends on himself, not on his father’s past or present. Help him see the next school year as an opportunity to re-motivate, not just repeat. Urge him to do some reading ahead during this summer, and line up appointments with his counsellor for fall.

Also, insist that a condition of his being an unemployed part of your household this summer is that he volunteer. A few weeks working with disadvantaged kids, for example, might just knock the light of his own fortunate potential into his head.

People think I’m so brilliant because I have strong verbal skills. 

Women also think I’m good-looking. So how come romantic sparks don’t fly?

- Confused in British Columbia

The problem is that you’re looking in the mirror instead of at the other person. Romance doesn’t only belong to the most attractive or well-spoken mates, but to countless couples who are empathetic, interested in others, responsive, giving. 

When you meet a woman you want to date, ask about her day, inquire how she likes her work or school, find out how she prefers to relax. Show a willingness to spend more time together sharing information and interests.

There needs to be warmth before there can be enough heat to generate romantic sparks.

My mother-in-law shows preference to her daughter and her child, over me (her son’s wife!) and my daughter. She babysits both granddaughters, plus two grandsons from another son, but I feel my little girl gets the short end. 

When I confronted her, she cried and said it wasn’t true, that the boys tired her out and the girls demand less attention, especially mine who’s so well-behaved. But I don’t believe it.

- Annoyed

Sounds like your MIL has her hands full, which may be the bigger problem here. If you’re paying her for babysitting services, perhaps she needs an assistant. If you’re not paying her, complaining makes you look and sound ungrateful. 

If your daughter is unhappy when going to Grandma’s, or acts out at home, you may need to find a different arrangement. If she seems fine, you could be mis-interpreting the situation, for other reasons in your relationship.