My wife had an incident. I don’t want to go into detail because it was in the news and very specific. It changed her, both physically and mentally. I appreciate that what she went through was momentous. I am doing my best to support her any way I can.

But she’s different. She’s not the woman I married. I’m OK with that; we’re older now, our kids have grown. But I don’t feel that she appreciates how her changes have affected me. I have had to make huge adjustments to my life and lifestyle.

Again, I’m OK with most of it, but I’m just not getting anything from her. How do I reconcile what I’m feeling inside?

Caught in Conflict

I’m terribly sorry for what happened to your wife, whatever it was. Our health is so important and we so often take it for granted. The older we get, the harder it is to bounce back from whatever – physical, mental, emotional – setbacks we face. We lose our elasticity.

Your wife sounds as though she is suffering greatly and I imagine she doesn’t have the energy to also deal with what you are going through. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t care or even recognize what’s going on. She may and she may not.

I assume she is getting both physical and mental therapy for her recovery. If she isn’t, she should be. And I suggest you ask her if you could come to one (or more) of her sessions. This will be helpful for both of you. Talk to her in front of a therapist. Tell her how you feel. Tell her that you know the incident happened to her, and not you, but you too are affected.

Work together to regain what you can from this tragic incident.

My brother-in-law’s parents were killed in a car accident last summer. They were a close family and the tragedy was gut-wrenching. My wife is his wife’s sister, and we were also close to his parents.

I took it upon myself to help out with the practicalities because he, his wife, his sister and brother and their two families were all too shocked and devastated. I looked into planning the funeral, purchasing the caskets, making sure they had plots, etc. I spoke to my wife who spoke with her sister, and we agreed that we would pay for everything up front and then get reimbursed later from their estate. We knew that wouldn’t be a problem, and we could afford it.

There were complications with the estate and the extended family and we stayed out of everything. It got ugly. Now everything is settled, money and property all divided up amongst the family.

The only problem is that no one has reimbursed us for our outlay. I’ve mentioned it to my brother-in-law and he keeps brushing it off, saying he’s sorry he keeps forgetting and he’ll get to it.

We’re talking about five figures here, so it’s not nothing. We have had some major life challenges this year and we could really use that money back in our accounts. What do we do?

Frugal Family

Unfortunately you are learning the hard way never to mix money and family. You were kind, helpful and generous with both your time and money when it was necessary. I’m sure that didn’t go unnoticed.

Talk to your brother-in-law again, with your wife and his present. The onus isn’t only on him, but it’s his family who need to reimburse you. Make a plan, and go to the bank together if necessary.

FEEDBACK Regarding the man whose wife doesn’t have sex with him anymore (May 25):

Reader – “A sexless husband asked you how to rekindle intimacy with his wife. Your response was basically ‘Pull your own weight and take initiative.’ While not wrong, I had hoped to read about some of the general reasons long-time partnerships suffer through this, including past sexual traumas resurfacing; body negativity; menopause; a partner who has changed physically, emotionally or mentally over the years; a general disinterest in sex or intimacy; distractions because of finances, illness, family, etc.

“I feel that your answer simplifies a complex issue that could have, at its root, a number of causes not explored or even alluded to here.

“A sexless marriage is problematic for all parties and can cause resentment and emotional damage to both sides.”

Lisi – You are not wrong. I was swayed by the tone of the man’s letter, which put the onus on his wife. My gut reaction was to “protect” her and put him in the driver’s seat.