Our son’s getting a divorce from his wife of 10 years; he’s going to have to pay child support for their four children, and she’s also demanding to stay in their house or get half the money it’s worth.
We paid for our son’s long and expensive education to prepare him for a rewarding career. He’s been a responsible, faithful husband who worked long hours to provide this woman with an excellent lifestyle so she didn’t have to work.
She’s gone on annual family vacations, had regular cleaning help, a big van to drive the kids, you name it.
We don’t know the nature of their marital problems, but we do feel it’s extremely unfair for him to give away that much of his hard-earned money to someone who doesn’t appreciate him.
He’s seeing a lawyer but we worry that our son isn’t being firm enough in opposing her demands.

- Your Thoughts?

My immediate thought is that, as in-laws, you may be one of the “marital problems” for this couple. You seem to have no perception of your daughter-in-law’s role in your son’s life – bearing and raising four youngsters in 10 years, with a partner who’s absent long hours. She clearly needed the vacations, the car and household help.
Moreover, she did work at home, and still needs the money to house and care for them.
In many jurisdictions, she’s legally entitled to half the matrimonial home and child support without challenge. Most important, however, is that whatever settlement this couple comes to, is none of your business.
Back off, especially if you want a continued relationship with your grandchildren. And that also means it’s time you got to know this woman better, at least enough to be welcome to see the kids after they split.
Note: You might even ask your son if you contributed to their problems, and can do something to make

amends that might still help them reconsider their relationship.

My husband is very opinionated about fixing up our home, the decorating decisions, the exact shade of paint colours, where I place photos on the walls, etc. I’m glad that he takes an interest, and he has good taste; but it’s often months before we get anything done as he’s also busy with work.
Meanwhile, I’m living in upheaval a year after we moved here, and feel annoyed because I have to beg for answers that he still puts off.
Do I just go ahead and let him rant and rave about what he doesn’t like?

- In Limbo

Approach this as a teammates’ matter, not a couples’ power struggle. Set an appointment time, with his agreement, and plenty of notice.
Tell House-proud Hubby that you’ll be thinking of different ideas, presenting colour choices, mapping out a possible photo display; and he should do the same.
Do your homework, but do NOT get stuck on only one way to proceed. At the “meeting,” present your suggestions, listen to his ideas, and be open to using whatever works best for both.
If you can’t come to agreements either on meeting times or decorating plans, call in outside help – for decorating - and consider counselling. The conflict may be about more than what the house looks like.

Should my girlfriend’s daughter, age 12, be allowed to sleep in our bed?

- New Partner

An adolescent shouldn’t be part of her parent’s intimate life. Mom should see a therapist to learn how to separate in a healthy way.

My girlfriend’s messy; I’m neat. She’ll leave clothes strewn around, damp towels on the bathroom floor, garbage bags full, etc.
She’s personally clean, and has a lovely personality except for the sloppiness.
I love her and we get along fine living separately (with sleepovers). But I can’t imagine sharing a home with her.
How do I communicate how much this affects me? When I complain, she laughs it off, calling me a clean freak.

- Put Off

To discuss a future together, be clear that you must find an agreeable solution to neat versus sloppy. Be aware that means a willingness by BOTH of you, to compromise.
Suggestions: 1) If affordable, share the cost of periodic cleaning help.
2) Buy some storage boxes and cupboard units to provide more places for putting away things.
3) Allot some time weekly for both of you to straighten up your surroundings.
4) Make love afterwards.