My girlfriend of five years ended it last fall, because I hadn’t wanted to marry or have a child with her. We were both previously married; I have two boys, she has no children. Initially, I had attachments to ex-girlfriends but she disapproved; I lost contact with them. They exploded back on the scene after our split when I joined Facebook. Three weeks ago, we’d gotten back together. However, those contacts broke our relationship again. Yet in those short weeks I re-discovered how much I do love her! 

I was ready to commit to both marriage and having a child. I’ve tried repeatedly to e-mail her and text; she’s replied to not text contact her again.

This break-up involved no cheating or alienation of affection. I want to fulfill her dreams, which have now turned into our dreams. How do I convince her?

- Changed Man

Proceed slowly, sincerely, and with great sensitivity. To her, it likely seems you were gearing up for dating again, through those contacts with ex’es. Also, once apart, she would see more clearly that through five years together, you wouldn’t compromise for her dreams. 

Now, you’ll have to reach out for her sake… don’t make it about you again, and about your own changed desires. Send a personal note (not email) about wanting to give her all that she wanted, then send flowers, and ask to meet.

It may take several tries, along with giving her time to believe you. Be prepared that your long delay in appreciating her deep needs, may’ve turned her off for a while… or even permanently.

Several years ago my husband caught me doing cocaine; I’m no addict and did it for fun sometimes. I promised I wouldn’t touch it again and haven’t; too much to lose - kids, marriage, self-respect and my husband’s respect. 

I own a business. My manager caught one of my employees with cocaine and sent her home. She called me and said what happened.

I went over to be with her until closing and my manager handed the drug to me as I didn’t want her to keep it on the premises. For the next few days my husband wouldn’t speak to me. He’d gone into my coat pocket, found the small packet of cocaine and assumed it was mine (understandably). I tried to explain but he didn’t want to listen.

I have cameras at work that show what happened but he hasn’t gone to look. I’ve taken a drug test and I know it’ll come back negative.

I feel so angry that he won’t listen and looks at me like I’m scum.

How do I approach him with my drug test? I don’t want to lose my family over a misunderstanding.

- Distraught

You’re not scum, but you’re living with a husband who’s rigid in his attitudes and principles, and I suspect this applies in other areas. It’s either irrational fear on your part – or a cruel threat on his – that anyone who’s drug-free could lose their children due to long-ago and sporadic drug use. 

Speak up with confidence when you’ve got the camera evidence and the test results in hand. Apologize again for the past, but insist it’s not been part of your life for years, and has no place in your discussions in the present.

If he continues to treat you negatively, there are bigger problems at hand and the “cocaine incident” is just an excuse. Get to counselling together; and/or get legal advice for yourself.

My niece, 26, and I aren’t close but we speak on the phone. We live in different countries. 

Recently, we met at a gathering, she was dressed provocatively (1/3 of her breasts exposed) and I’ve learned that’s how she dresses to parties.

She’s never had a long-term relationship and I believe it’s because she’s attracting the wrong type of men. I mentioned her “dress” to her dad and he jumped down my throat.

Should I tactfully speak to her on the phone or keep my mouth shut?

- Unsure Aunt

Zip it, Auntie, unless you’re asked for advice. Unsolicited comments will just be heard as criticism. 

She picks the wrong men because she has poor judgment, of which her dressing choice for some occasions may be just one example. If you truly care about her, not just appearances, get closer by phone and email. And encourage her in her work/interests, and self-confidence.