Once again I suffered through an unhappy Mother's Day; I tried to have children but lost two pregnancies - one at six months, the second at seven and one-half months. My marriage fell apart soon afterwards. I was mid-30s then, haven't been in a serious relationship since, and now at 46, I'm alone and childless.

My family and friends act like it never happened. I've had to defend myself against other people thinking I've been selfish "choosing" not to have children.

I don't fit in at group gatherings or family events. I stopped going to the company Family BBQ day - it feels like I'm the only one there without a child. I've talked this through with countless doctors and counsellors, yet can never "shake" the depression that comes every year.

How can I get through these events in control of my feelings and emotions? How can I make people understand how much I wish I was a mother?

Not a Mother

Your sadness is natural, but you're allowing it to withdraw from healthy ways to enjoy the positives in your life. You DO have friends, family and colleagues who care. They show it by not commenting on your status, by inviting you to be with people, rather than alone.

If you're otherwise healthy and continue with counselling to improve your emotional balance, you're a prime candidate to volunteer with children whose needs are as great as yours for connection.

Children in orphanages, foster care, hospitals for chronic illness and disabilities, all would thrive if they had someone who visited and bonded with them - and you'd thrive too.

Other ways to fill the void: Foster children overseas, and kids globally whose very survival depends on interest and financial aid from people who care. Let go of your mourning for what's past, and become pro-active about enriching your life every way you can.

During childhood and my early teens I suffered badly from obsessive-compulsive disorder, and pushed my family away. Ever since, they've treated me like the black sheep.

My OCD's in control now and I desperately try to win my family's respect. But they treat me like I'm stupid or unwanted. They entertain their friends by telling stories about how awful I am. I wish they'd forgive me and move on.

I feel worthless.

No matter how good I am today, it doesn't matter to them. I do anything to make them happy and sometimes they take advantage of it.

How can I make them respect and value me? It's affecting my life in every way - how I am around other people, and how I view myself.

Still Outcast

YOU can change the most important part of your life, which is how you see yourself. You know your condition's under control, that you have value just by living decently, taking care of yourself, and being a contributing member of society.

So waiting for some kind of dramatic acknowledgement from your family is self-deflating, not helpful.

Not all families are emotionally intelligent enough to recognize their own judgmental behaviour. By comparison, YOU are the one who overcame difficulties, who became informed about your condition and learned to handle it.

YOU are the one with internal strength and courage. Besides, almost half of all OCD cases show a familial pattern. Some families choose to remain ignorant or pretend there's no family history involved.

Stop trying to impress them and focus on having pride in yourself. There are non-judgmental, caring people who, as friends, can provide the support you miss.

I'm wondering when and how to talk to my aging parents about power of attorney for their health and financial decisions when needed. I don't want to frighten them and look like I want to gain control.

Planning

If your parents already have a lawyer for their wills and other matters, these issues may already have been addressed. Gently ask them directly - while they're healthy - if they've considered assigning power of attorney for future situations.

It won't imply you're wanting control if you suggest that each of them chooses the other, in the event that one deteriorates sooner than the other; and then chooses one child or other trusted person as the alternative if the partner is no longer available, whatever the reason.

If they don't want to bring in a lawyer, you could suggest visiting one day with a tape recorder and talking through their plans and preferences.