I have a friend whom I adore BUT she is neurotic, winds everyone up, makes everyone crazy, is wrong most of the time in her hysteria, and doesn’t seem to care or notice how it affects everyone because she somehow just moves on. If you get caught up in her vortex, you get sucked into her whirlwind frenzy. It’s impossible to follow, and just as quickly as it starts, it ends, leaving you flat on your ass wondering what the hell just happened.
We have daughters the same age, which is how we met. They’re seven and very good friends. My friend’s hysteria usually involves the girls in some form or another. It could be about getting them registered into THE dance program NOW; or about standing in line at a store in the early hours to be first to purchase THE hot toy of the month.
I used to get caught up in her crazy because I didn’t know any better. Then I realized that she is literally just what we used to call “a windup merchant.” My problem now is twofold: one, I worry that my daughter is going to get caught up in her daughter’s crazy, when that happens; and two, how do I decipher between the stuff I DON’T need to stress over and the stuff I do?
Hysterical Frenzy
I know someone like that. It’s enough to make you dizzy. And I found it hard to know when to buy in, when to step back and when to walk away. In my situation, we weren’t that good friends, just colleagues. I eventually walked away because I couldn’t handle the crazy.
In your case, it’s different because you two are close friends. My suggestion is to take a deep breath when she starts gearing up over an issue. Ask her to clarify the exact issue, for example, the toy of the month. Then ask yourself: is this something I really want/need in my life? Is this something my daughter really wants/needs in her life? If no, tell her thank you for the information, but you’re not interested. End the conversation so she can go find someone else to suck in.
If yes, you’re interested, then ask her to explain the situation clearly so you can figure out how you want to buy in. For example, you might think standing in line early morning is fun because it reminds you of your youth; or you may tell her to just get two of whatever she gets, and you’ll pay her back.
Learn her behaviour so you can head her off at the pass, kindly, warmly and maintain your close friendship.
I’m having a summertime issue. I’m on holiday with my young children and my husband. He’s working a few hours during the day but has been able to go out and wander with us. We’re staying in an Airbnb type accommodation to make the trip more affordable. Also, the kids would go rangy in a hotel room, and it would be hard for us to enjoy our evenings if we had to be quiet while they slept.
However, to them, we might as well be at home. They expect me to make breakfast every morning and dinner most nights. I’m not feeling like this is a holiday. How can I get my husband to see that I need a break too?
SuperMom
Talk to him! Tell him what you need. Ask him to be on breakfast duty so you can sleep in. Make dinner together. Book an evening massage and let him watch the kids.
You ARE SuperMom, but even superheroes need to recharge and take a break.
FEEDBACK Regarding the person feeling abandoned (May 12):
Reader – “I have known several family situations like this one. It’s always good to try to reconcile, if only to gain an understanding of why the parent left. However, one thing they need to be watching for is whether this mother wants to reconnect mostly because she now needs, or anticipates she will need, their physical and/or financial support.
“It’s amazing how many parents walk out on helpless children, never looking back to see if they’re even alive let alone being cared for, but then, as they themselves become more helpless, get all ‘familial’ again. They should give her the benefit of the doubt to start with but remain aware that she may be narcissistic.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the couple who cannot compromise (April 22; May 12):
Reader – “My suggestion: Grow Up.”
Lisi – Harsh! Glad my readers don’t look to you for advice.