I’m 21, and wasn’t ready for the floor of my world to collapse, when my father broke up our family.

I’d grown up in a protected, comfortable lifestyle, with my two other siblings. I felt so lucky to be a part of the love and laughter we kids shared (when not having our childhood wars).

My parents married young, and seemed to have a wonderful partnership, in business as well as at home.

But alcohol became a problem between them, over time. They argued loudly, and “cheating” was suddenly a word said out loud.

My father pulled away from the family, without hiding his unhappiness. We eventually learned he’d had a long-term affair and that our parents were getting a divorce.

He’s a different man than I knew.

He’s been verbally abusive about how unfair this ordeal has been for him! He can be aggressive when drunk, enough to warrant calling the police.

He shows no shame, no remorse. He’s abandoned his children financially and emotionally. We’ve been told to respect his mistress (apparently, she’s one of his many over the years, and finally got what she was after).

I beg all married people who are having these affairs to stand up and be honest with yourselves and your families.

An Adult Daughter’s Response

Thanks for sharing your story, on behalf of young people who feel devastated by family break-ups they could never have anticipated.

Yet, I’ll surprise you by saying you’re still among the lucky, to have had a protected, and happy childhood. It gave you confidence and strengths you can still draw on to get through this difficult adjustment in your life.

Whatever happened later to bring out his weaknesses, your father did provide well for his family and was a partner in raising you for many years.

No one – least of all a child of the couple - can know all the internal private matters between husband and wife. No one who’s not lost self-control to an addiction, can fully understand it’s hold on another.

How those and other circumstances conspire to change people’s personalities and behaviours, is complicated and even harder to fathom.

What’s important for you is to move forward with your own life, without letting this become your obstacle to future healthy relationships. It’s not.

You, your mom, and your siblings, need to pull together and use the years of closeness and mutual support to deal with whatever issues need to be addressed.

As for trying to comprehend who your father is today, if you eventually wish to do so, consider getting counselling. This will come in handy in the future should you have a need or wish to see him.

I’ve had an intense hatred for sounds, like people snoring. Now I’m increasingly annoyed and angered by the disgusting sounds of chewing, sniffing, throat-clearing, finger-tapping, humming, loud yawning, etc.

A man nearby is currently crunching so loudly that I want to slap him (I’d never really get violent but it’s driving me crazy!!).

How do I block these sounds, especially if I cannot get away?

Rattled

Any change in physical/emotional tolerance as dramatic as this warrants seeing your family doctor to check for any new health issue. Or, being referred to a specialist in this area.

Extreme sound sensitivity is called misophonia. It can be related to a past trauma, and thus cause anxiety. In some cases, there’s a neurological connection. In others, the sound may cause actual ear pain.

Readers’ experiences are welcome on this.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who wrote about being embarrassed by her uncontrolled bouts of anger (August 16):

Reader #1 – “Childhood emotional and physical abuse left me with a tremendous amount of anger and, for a long time, no safe way of expressing or coping with my feelings.

“A therapist recommended a book which helped me to both understand my feelings, and create healthy strategies for expressing my frustration and anger (no matter what the cause).

“It's "The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships," by Harriet Lerner.”

Constant Reader

Reader #2 – “In response to your column seeking recommended books/resources for dealing with anger, I suggest a title "Children of the Self-Absorbed."

“This handbook deals with narcissism, and recent thinking in the field shows a convergence of narcissism and psychopathy.

“The abovementioned book can help.”

Reader #3 – “Gaining Control of Ourselves,” by George Anderson.