My husband of 20 years has always been a transvestite. I helped him get into his drag and bondage stuff because the rest of our relationship was so good that I didn't want to let this hamper our future with two great kids. Our sex life was regular.
In our 20s, it was a bit kinky, but after awhile I wanted sex without dressing him up, tying him, etc. I went for therapy; he didn't.

He has a very big job with a multinational company, and I appreciated his need to indulge these behaviours as a stress release.
Then, I discovered he was seeing dominatrix’s while on business trips. He left us a couple of years ago to be with one, as a sex slave! They’ve bought a house together.

He maintains his corporate stature and I was terrified she’d blackmail or “out” him, which could humiliate his children and attract public attention.
Her website reflects her work on all kinds of fetishes.

How would I have explained these pursuits to our kids as why their father left them?
I separated, raising now-teenagers on my own. He’s abandoned regular interaction with them apart from monthly payments and occasional phone calls.
They interact with him, infrequently, through social media.

I’m trying to hold things together domestically, socially, emotionally, and work-wise (self employed).

I want the best for my kids' future development, which includes contact with their father.

But my counsellor says I need to let them handle their relationship with their dad, not try to control things.

Loving and Concerned 

They have a right and a need to connect with him, if they want it.

Should they discover his lifestyle, the fact that you supported his earlier leanings should be explained as having loved and respected him, as their father and your partner.

They need to eventually (perhaps soon) hear that, so they’re not left with an image of him as a weirdo. He loved them, but couldn’t resist the strong drive toward his current identity.

They’ll benefit from counselling themselves, especially if they react negatively.

Help them understand that they can reach their father.

Do NOT control that contact. Be open to helping them achieve it, and helping them absorb all this.

I had financial strains due to a layoff. My brother kindly gave me his Visa number so my power wasn't cut. He’d long ago extended a $1,000 10-year loan. I didn’t know his wife was unawares.

They live very comfortably. She found his Visa bill, and they argued. She phoned me, screaming, called me "sick.” I hung up.

I paid what I could, and was really suffering financially. She called again, saying I’m causing her marital problems affecting her children.

I sold my house and paid them back. I feel awful for my brother and am worried about family gatherings. I apologized but no longer like, nor want, to be near her.

Financial Fall-Out

See your brother on his own, thank him for his kindness and caring, and together discuss the way you can go forward as family.

He was in the wrong not to mention his loans, his wife wrong to overreact and insult you. I suggest their marital problems already existed, and have very little to do with you.

If you two need to stay in touch on your own, so be it. But it’d be nice if you could rise above this (again, this was more about her and their marriage, than about you), and have a relationship with their children.

FEEDBACK Regarding whether to break “bad news” to a former lover about her new boyfriend (August 9^th):

Reader – “Many people like me, on the Autism “spectrum,” can't read others well, we often miss subtext and warning signs in others’ behaviour.

“We often cannot detect liars and instead take people literally - sometimes putting ourselves and others at risk (e.g. women who then get date-raped, mothers who unknowingly let child molesters into their home life, people who are bullied because they don't perceive the warning signs in colleagues or loved ones.)

“So it might be appropriate for the person to ask the friend if they'd like some input. Then leave it alone if they refuse.

“Better that “a good friend” suffers from a cold shoulder, than another woman or child gets harmed by the person discussed.

“I wasn't told - and couldn't see it coming - and suffered the dire consequences.”