My fiancée and her family speak English as a second language; at family gatherings and parties, they mostly speak in their native tongue. They greet me and talk to me in English, but when the parties start, I’m usually left out unless I pointedly include myself or someone else “lets me into” the conversation.  

I get extremely angry and frustrated with the whole situation - I understand very little of what’s going on and it’s almost a complete waste of my time to be there. To me, it’s just plain rude, but at the same time I understand the entire party cannot speak English only to accommodate me.

I’ve expressed my concerns to my fiancée but she says I’m being overly sensitive, and that people do speak to me.

I’m starting to dread attending any of her family’s events, and we’re not even married yet.

- Excluded

This group is the “in-law family” you’ll be involved with for years to come, so less anger and some effort on your part could ease the frustration that likely exists on all sides. 

At these gatherings, her family is in the majority, and their language is the one that’s easiest for casual socializing. If you would bother to learn even a few phrases of greetings and pleasantries, you’d soon charm them into wanting to know you better and using English to do so.

Your fiancée isn’t doing her part either. She should be helping you learn how to say some basic niceties, along with a few amusing icebreakers, that’ll have everyone appreciating your friendliness and goodwill.

But then, I’m wondering if all that “extreme anger and frustration” coming from you on these occasions isn’t making her question her choice.

In the last four months my girlfriend of seven years has told me she wanted to smash my “effing face,” called me lazy, told me to shut up, and said I’m not a good enough protector and provider. She also says I exaggerate, am too defensive, and that I seem miserable.  

She has a bad temper and when she’s angry, there’s nothing I can do to calm her down or please her.

On the other hand, she also says I’m the best thing in her life, she’s really lucky to have me, and she doesn’t want to be without me.

She admits she’s pushing me away and sending mixed messages but backed out of couples therapy recently.

How do I fix things? Or do I run?

How do I justify getting out of this relationship without feeling guilty about abandoning her after we’ve been together so long?

- Torn

If this ping-pong game of emotions has been hurled at you for seven years, that’s full justification for running, far and fast. 

BUT, if your girlfriend’s mood swings have only been going on these past four months, you both need to figure out what’s caused the changes.

She should have a medical check to assess for hormone fluctuations (no matter her age) or other underlying causes; it’s possible that therapy and/or medication can help balance her moods.

OR, the cause lies in the relationship itself, e.g. she may love you but resent that you haven’t made a deeper commitment through a marriage proposal.

If that’s the case, you definitely need couples counselling if you’re to stay together.

A professional therapist can help her find far better strategies for raising conflict, and help you see the need for confronting problems rather than blaming the messenger.

We’d dated for two months, I’m 28, Asian, he’s 26, Russian; everything’s been wonderful. 

I met his family recently. The next day, he broke up with me saying that he loves having me around, but can’t find the spark and doesn’t want to lead me on.

Yet everything we did together says otherwise.

A day later, he messaged that he missed me, still wants me in his life but claims it’s better this way.

- Your Thoughts?

His parents disapproved of your relationship. They may be worried that you don’t have enough in common, or they may be downright racist… what matters is that he complied. 

If he has second thoughts and wants to get back together, I strongly recommend that you also have second thoughts about his caving in so quickly.

Even if he resolves to defy his folks, be certain that he can live with that decision before you decide to re-connect.