Recently, I had my first kiss with a friend of mine. Now he wants to have sex with me.
I don't feel comfortable doing this right now. I told him so, but he doesn't listen. What do I do?
Uncertain In Queens, NY
A kiss is not a down payment on sex. You owe him nothing.
Avoid him, he's no true "friend," just a guy who's wanting to get laid and doesn't care how you feel about it.
Deciding for yourself, without pressure, when and with whom you share intimacy, is as important to your self-respect as keeping any friendship.
When I'm at work, I get emails from my wife reminding me that our older daughter has a dental appointment.
When I get home, tired from my workday, I'm handed the baby to watch while my wife gets dinner. At the table, everyone gets to talk except me.
My wife runs our home like a drill camp for kids and me. There are also always more kids beyond our two, running around having play dates.
Coordinate your personal organizers and get in sync on the part of the kids' schedules where you have to help out, due to some necessity e.g. if she doesn't have a car or can't get out at those times.
Then sit down and talk with your wife. If you need some time to unwind after work, suggest a later dinner, so that you don't have to swing into baby care immediately.
Also, discuss some time limits for play dates, e.g. ending before you come home, or whatever can work given driving distances.
Consider, too, that your wife may need some breaks for herself - such as hiring a periodic baby-sitter - so she feels less like a drill sergeant with no personal life.
I'm from Mauritius, of Hindu faith, and have recently read about "slut dressing." This issue is not only about women's rights but also about human nature and the impression made on onlookers.
ALL men are turned on by women, more so if they're dressed like sluts. I believe that those women are looking for some kind of attention. Opting to expose more private body parts means knowing they'll attract male gazes.
The psychology of some males does border on the "rapist" type, and a woman who dresses "slutty" is inadvertently exposing herself to those men whom we describe as "mentally sick."
So I believe it's best to dress within the acceptable norms of decency. Setting oneself apart is like inviting the "sick mind" to come and get you.
One Man's Opinion
You're not alone in thinking this way, yet, as discussed in a recent live online chat I had with many participants, the facts on rapists do NOT prove this theory.
Rape is a criminal act of violence, usually involving anger, and a desire to control the victim. Criminal studies have shown that the vast majority of rapists have no recall whatsoever about what their victims were wearing. Elderly women and baby girls have also been the tragic victims of rape, having nothing to do with what they wore.
However, you are correct that women who dress provocatively either know perfectly well, or should know, that they draw male attention, and that some men will think they are more open to a sexual encounter than women who dress conservatively.
Men may leer, make lewd remarks, and become very annoying. But most men will NOT commit rape.
FEEDBACK Regarding the mother who has a problem with her daughter's teacher, whom you advised to go to the principal (Oct. 3):
Reader - "Teachers are college-educated professionals who deserve respect. Any worthwhile principal would call the teacher in immediately so she could be heard."
A-In this case, the mother specifically feared or believed that the teacher would be defensive.
I frequently and comfortably publish "feedbacks" that present a different view from what I wrote, because there's much to be gained from other people's experience and perspective.
But I believe that you missed the writer's point that the teacher had seemed "clueless" about her daughter's problem, and that you also missed the pivotal point of my response.
I wrote, "Do NOT blame the teacher. Ask the principal for ideas on how the school can help address this problem, and let him/her bring the teacher into the discussion, as a solution 'partner.'"
Tip of the day:
Do NOT give in to pressure for sex if it's not what YOU want.