I dated a woman in my 20’s and loved her, but I was too ambitious to settle down. I took a job overseas and later married someone there. My ex stayed in our hometown and also married.

Six years later, I contacted her on a visit home, and we were both swept away.

We managed to slip away together for an intense few days, when we agreed to each telling our spouse we wanted to divorce.

Shortly after I returned to my wife, my love called with devastating news that she’d been diagnosed with cancer. We were both 35.

I left my wife, moved home, and visited her whenever I could. We both believed her husband didn’t know about me, as he travelled for work frequently. We’d “meet” at a health spa where she went to rest a couple of times, or she’d come to my place.

She died recently. My grief’s massive and lonely. My friends know, but I had no place to mourn. She’d made me promise not to attend her funeral. She knew I’d break down and her husband would then know.

Now I’m thinking that he and I can help each other - we both loved a great woman and could fill out each other’s memories.

Seeking Honest Closure

You have the memory of your secret love together. That’s the legacy she left you. The way for you to protect these as a part of your past is to get much-needed grief counselling from a professional therapist.

But you’ll NOT find “closure” through her husband. Trying to do so would be cruel. He has the rights to his own image of his wife, and to his memories of their life together, plus its store of images among their family and friends.

You cannot justify an affair to a betrayed spouse, no matter what you and she believed at the time.

My husband and I, both divorced, married seven years ago. My adult children have accepted and like him, but his teenage daughter will only see him at his former home.

It’s very awkward. His ex always hovers around them, criticizing or doubting everything he says to his daughter. She’s even hinted to the girl that she shouldn’t trust being alone with her dad, as he “could be abusive, you never know.” My husband actually heard this slur, which is preposterous!

Not to mention that he pays considerable child support and many extras.

What can we do to bring the girl out of her mother’s manipulative environment so he can have a real relationship with his daughter?

Frustrated Stepmother

The hopeful likelihood is that his daughter will be more open to seeing her dad on her own, when she’s no longer living under her mom’s roof. He should strongly encourage her education and be positive and supportive about her going away to University, within a few years.

Meanwhile, he must keep up the visits, plus email and phone contact so she knows he’s committed to maintaining their relationship. If his ex persists in suggesting that he’s abusive, and especially if his daughter shows mistrust, he should send a lawyer’s letter warning about potential slander charges.

He can also arrange through the courts to have supervised visits with his daughter NOT at her mom’s house but rather, say, in the lawyer’s office. It’s not a casual environment either, but at least there’d be no insults and added tension in the background.

I used to enjoy wine with a dinner out, but was left with a headache even when I only had one or two glasses of decent wine. So I avoid all alcohol now.

However, when my husband and I go to a restaurant with other couples, and he drinks some wine, people always say, “let’s just split the bill.”

With big drinkers, we’re paying way more than our share. My husband says forget it, or we’ll have no friends! Is there another solution?

Unfair Bar Bills

Deal with the money rather than expect others’ goodwill. If it’s more than you two can, or should, spend on dining out, he should speak up before the orders start - “Let’s divide the bar bill separately, I’ll pay my quarter share, since Susan doesn’t drink at all.”

Those who’ve enjoyed a good deal at your expense may not like it, but close friends and more fair-minded folks should understand.