Dear Readers – Your many questions about handling the fall-out of affairs, called for this column:

My wife had a past affair with her boss. Everyone in their office knows about it. His wife found out, it’s been over awhile, but she’s still working there as she has a big salary.

We’ve talked all this out. But every time there’s an off-site meeting, I worry. I forgave her, but my trust for her with this guy, is non-existent.

No Trust

Talk some more. She’s admitted the affair, but now must acknowledge whether she’s still vulnerable to him. And, if so, whether it’s because of a still-powerful attraction or dissatisfaction in the marriage.

You’re both avoiding any deeper look at what happened, because of the big salary. That’ll only work for awhile, until your distrust divides you.

She needs to do some serious self-examination… with the help of a therapist. You’ll also need to go, so you fully understand what drove her and what the risks are now, as well as how to improve your marriage.

Two years ago I had an affair. We've done counseling but it still flares up. Yesterday I made a joke about how she promised to eat her vegetables and she exploded about how I promised to not cheat when we married.

When is enough actually enough...?

Always Guilty?

It’s never enough until you BOTH get past the affair. You have, she hasn’t. You must communicate that you know and understand how she feels about it.

You also need to fully explain why you strayed, and discuss together how to have a more satisfying union for both.

A good resource book for this discussion is After the Affair by Janis Spring.

Your wife’s continued feeling of betrayal is not surprising. Counselling can only be successful if you use it as a starting point for open and honest talks. It’s very helpful to go back for “booster” sessions to steer you towards better communication together.

From years of writing this column, I’ve found that post-affair couples often mistakenly believe they can wrap up an affair and stick it in the back of their marriage closet, after only a fleeting brush with counselling.

They make excuses about the cost and time involved, despite one partner having put a fair bit of time and cost into the affair!

Saving a marriage, especially where children are involved, is worth full, persistent effort.

Sometimes a one-night stand is the only way you can get past the frustration at home, and the sexual tension at work. It worked for me.

My wife and I were going through a bad time, this co-worker and I were all over each other, but after we slept together once, we both realized we had to think about what we were doing, and where it’d lead. We ended things right then, but stayed friends at work, only more distant.

Learned Lesson

Hold fast to what you learned.

What “worked” for you, would unlikely have worked for your wife. Since you mention no reaction from her, it’s apparent she didn’t know about the affair.

Basically, you “got away with it” and did experience a powerful lesson about what matters most to you, even in the face of strong temptation.

However, life has many challenges over the years and having crossed that line of total fidelity once, you need to periodically remind yourself of what you cherish in your marriage. And work at keeping it present, even during difficult times.

My wife doesn’t want sex as often or as varied as I do, so I go elsewhere for “one-night” stuff because I don’t want to get entangled. I love my wife and kids and don’t want to hurt them.

One Night Only

Unless you have a marital “agreement” – even as vague as “don’t tell me, I won’t ask” – you’re still hugely risking hurting the people you love, not to mention the possibility of STD’s for you and your wife.

And though you don’t want ongoing “entanglements,” you can never be sure if your casual sex partner doesn’t have other intentions. Moreover, the chances of getting caught increase each time.

Imagine having to explain, if caught, “well, your mom didn’t like frequent or varied sex!”

See a doctor together about her libido, and talk to a sex therapist about inhibitions. Most important, increase the cuddling and intimacy of sharing confidences (not just sex) between you.