My husband of 12 years is constantly needing to “find the great job” that his parents once promised him. They told him to go to university, but he didn't like the field that they chose for him.

He's since been through three major job changes, all in different fields and cities. During this time, while trying to find himself, he's also insisted on buying a house that we can no longer afford due to these job changes.
After five years he finally agreed to have a child. He’s now a great father to our son, age two. Unfortunately, I now realize that I’ve been putting off my needs because of his overwhelming ones that caused so many changes for us.

Also, he’s very threatened by my stating and asserting my own needs and any efforts by me to make them happen. I don't want our son to grow up seeing a dysfunctional parent dynamic and financial stress with a long-suffering mom and unstable dad.
How do I stop my husband’s yelling and throwing of fits to get his way? How do I make him see how damaging it is to our family and our future? How do I stop a long-time pattern?

Wits End 

If ever two people as individuals and as a couple needed some professional guidance, it’s you two.

You already know what part of the pattern winds him up negatively, so start with a fresh approach and do not overwhelm him and yourself by trying to resolve everything at once.

You both love your son and are good with him, so it’s natural to suggest you both get help to end negative patterns when you try to communicate.

In counselling, ask for advice on what kind of career counselling can best help him focus his skills and interests. He’ll respond better to a knowledgeable professional than to you, regarding this search that’s been defeating, even humiliating him.

Do not argue with him as to your rights, just find your own focus, and work on it the best you can with regard to your schedule and finances. It’s a start towards new patterns.

Last week I had a double mastectomy. I told all my friends and family about it (except my parents who are too old). Everything went as well as could be expected. I'm recovering well. My sister and two girlfriends were very caring and supportive both before and after surgery.

However, I've heard nothing from all the other people who I thought were my friends, or from my two brothers. A couple of people said for me to call them to let them know how it went. That’s just as lazy and uncaring as the silent ones.

My conclusion is that I’ve been mistaken, they’re not friends at all. Am I being too harsh?

Feeling Ignored

Your brothers should’ve called. That said, they and your “silent” friends likely didn’t want to disturb you, so early in your recovery.

As well, many people are very poor at confronting others’ serious illness – especially cancer. Often, they’re squeamish, or even terrified of even talking about it.

Give the ones you’ve cared about, and those brothers too, a second chance. Send an email that you’re over the surgery and could use some caring and comfort from close people. If they still stay distant… okay, they’re not so close, nor should you be in future.

With your brothers, however, state how you feel, so they get it.

My former college roommate travelled here for a week’s work and we agreed he could stay with us. Then, he expected me to pick him up at the airport.

Also, he twice suggested we dine out in special restaurants, but he never shared the bills while I anticipated he’d treat us.

He works for himself so there’s no company footing his expenses, but I still felt he took advantage. He could see that we’re not affluent. Do I email him my annoyance now that he’s gone?

Feeling Used

Too late, but lesson learned: no more free stays for him. After the first mooched dinner, you needed to be clear about what you could and could not afford.

He can write off any travel expenses at tax time, yet did take advantage. Even if his cash flow is low, he was rude to hit you up for expensive meals. And you were an easy mark.