I recently discovered that my husband’s a narcissist. He obviously has no idea of this, because narcissists think they’re perfect and nothing’s wrong with them, only with everyone else.
When I’ve challenged his controlling behaviour he becomes aggressive or ignorant. He recently ignored me for a week because I wouldn’t give him sex at 12:30am when I was tired and had to work again at 8:00am.
He isn’t currently working because he hurt his back. So, he expects me to give him what he wants regardless of the state of feelings and tension between us.
He thinks everything will be fixed by having sex even if I lay there and do nothing, which is meaningless and pointless for me.
I’d rather be sleeping than have meaningless sex with him. Our marriage is at the divorce point, just hanging on by a string.
By definition, narcissistic personality disorder is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.
Maybe your husband IS a narcissist… or maybe the two of you have simply reached a point in your marriage of no return.
True narcissism personality disorder (NPD) is rare. Yet it’s become common to label people who are self-centred or egotistical as a narcissist. Many people demonstrate some of those tendencies over time, but only between 0.5 and 1 percent of the general population is diagnosed with NPD.
My point? Rather than label your husband as your explanation for all that’s wrong, it’s already clear from your account that you just want it to be over: No counselling, no trying to find any common ground or fixes before going separate ways.
Since you only recently discovered that he’s a narcissist, it seems you managed 20 years together somehow accepting his “controlling” ways.
The obvious question is what’s changed – his not working? His wanting sex when you’re tired?
You have the right to choose to separate/divorce, without having to justify it with a blanket one-word description of your husband.
Maybe you’ve changed too, disappointed in where things have gone with you working and him at home, waiting to be acknowledged through sex.
It’s time to act, one way or another, on your own or with professional help.
Do an online search of what’s involved in starting legal separation proceedings in your home jurisdiction.
Consider where and how you’ll live on your own. Make your plans. But if any children are living at home with you, a discussion about child custody, access and support is essential.
FEEDBACK Regarding the man’s question about his girlfriend emitting vaginal noises called “queefs” during lovemaking (August 1):
Reader – “Frankly, most women have that and it’s normal.
“The main thing that actually causes that sound, also called a vaginal fart, is the angle of the man’s penetration and whether the penis is pulling out completely and then thrusting in a way that is causing an “air influx.”
“The point is that the man complaining should learn himself how to improve his thrusting motion and also use different positions to fix that.
“I just didn’t like the tone of his question, as if it’s a problem of the woman’s biological parts.”
Ellie – For those for whom this is still a little-known type of flatulence that some women experience, it can also come from some yoga and stretching exercises, inserting sex toys, tampons, diaphragms, and menstrual cups.
FEEDBACK Regarding the ex-wife who, on behalf of her kids, worries about not knowing where her ex has travelled out of town and thinks she has the right to know (Aug. 3):
Reader – “There surely must be some additional information in the letter from this recently divorced woman or I’m totally flummoxed.
“This is the age of the smart (cell) phone and I’d find it hard to believe that the former husband does not have one, even if it’s one provided by his company, i.e., they want to be able to contact him when he’s travelling on business.
“This woman doesn’t need to know where he is, rather how to contact him. Anything else is surely snooping.”
Ellie – Agreed. I told her she no longer has what she thought is “the right to confront him” about where he’s been, and surely one of his friends knows since she heard it through the “gossip mill.”
Tip of the day:
When a marriage is breaking down, focus on your choices, not just blame.