We’re both in our second marriage, in our early 40’s. We both got hurt before, so married for love and passion after a long hibernation. But things are going downhill.
Housework sits solely on my hands; if help is requested, it’s, “get your son (12) to do it.”
He spends wildly; I have to give up little pleasures like manicures or shopping.
Sex is occasional. I discovered he visits porn sites when I’m out. We argued about all of the above but not the porn sites.
I love him and want to stay. I told him that he had changed but he refused to go to counselling.
When we fight, he leaves for a day and now I wish it’s forever since I’m overwhelmed by anger at being a slave for him. I only want back the man that I fell in love with. But if things continue like this, I don’t think our marriage will last.
Should I stay and have a twice-monthly fight which lasts a few days, or move on without him?
I’m guessing that, along with other readers, you’ll know the answer just viewing – and absorbing - what you wrote. This situation is intolerable – even when you’re not fighting, you’re still living as a second-class citizen, not a partner, in this marriage.
The reason that you don’t argue over the porn sites is because you know that would bring you to a line in the sand. If he refuses to give up porn, and your sexual intimacy remains rare, you’ll be forced to confront reality.
The man you loved enough to marry has left the building. And so should you and your son.
Recently, my parents and I had our re-occurring morning argument; but this time they got really angry, saying I was causing all the problems, and my dad yelled at me. Now he ignores me.
The day after, my dentist appointment didn’t turn out well, and my mother banned all snacks containing sugar. Now I’m starving, and whenever I talk to her she considers I’m trying to irritate her. My little sister and I are unhappy, and rebelling against their new “law.” I know I can get angry easily, but now even when I talk they say I’m trying to instigate something.
My little sister and I are thinking of moving out to a relative or friend. My older sister who’s in university doesn’t have a clue of this and will be coming home soon; I think my parents will do something similar to her.
- Need Help
It’s hard to be living at home with parents and rules controlling your life… but it’s a lot harder for someone as young, sensitive, opinionated, bright, and argumentative, to be on your own.
You have a strong, questioning personality, but you haven’t the experience or life skills to leave yet. And I can guarantee there are no friends or relatives who’ll think your parents’ frustration and “no-sugar” rules warrant rescuing you from your parents.
If you stop rebelling long enough to hear some of your parents’ reasons, you might actually recognize that they do want to guide and protect you – e.g. sugar overloads cause mood swings as well as harm the teeth you’ll need for the rest of your life.
Let your younger sister form her own opinions… you seem to be controlling her just as you feel controlled.
Talk to your older sister, instead, and get her feedback on how your parents managed to raise her to university age.
I’ve experienced severe depression and isolated myself from friends and family.
I’m 24, back to my normal optimism. But I still struggle over my “friends” – there’s minimal communication and socializing. I have to contact them and pay for our outing because they claim they can’t. I feel I’m being used but afraid of losing the friendship if I state what they’re doing to me is wrong.
I wear my heart on my sleeve and have difficulty trusting new people and building friendships, as I fear being used for my kindness.
You need to build confidence in you, first. You’d benefit from counselling for self-esteem issues, to help you develop the skills to assess new friends and their sincerity.
Tuck your “heart” back inside, until you know people well, and until the sharing of personal stories – as well as the cost of getting together - is mutual.
Tip of the day:
A crummy second marriage isn’t a life sentence, either.