I'm writing from Mauritius in the Indian Ocean because I'm concerned about power struggles in my marriage of five years. My wife and I love each other a lot. Fortunately, we agree on finance issues and raising our little girl.

However, I still don't know who wears the pants. We've had many disagreements, power struggles, and hard clashes. Yet we have basically similar visions in life - she controls things about the house, I control things outside the house, the car, and dealings with authorities. We're both working professionals.

Our fights are more about ego - we both fear losing. This makes us fight hard about petty things, each with a will to dominate and win. It's not always open...instead, manipulation games at which we're both adept!

Eventually we'll cool down without apologizing or acknowledging guilt, and move on. I'd never let this risk my marriage.

One surprise - we both like wrestling. I'm much stronger, but she has grit and determination. At first, we wrestled for erotic reasons and fun. But the regular matches (except when she's pregnant, as she is again now) became more competitive. I take care not to injure her, but she works hard to defend. As her aggressiveness grows, so does mine.

She admits that it's a battle for power; our sole aim is to dominate, to win. When we wonder what makes a loving couple like us wrestle to the point of risking injury, we can't give an answer.

Yet we can have sex the day after a hard wrestling match! What makes us have power struggles and wrestle like we do?

Battle of the Sexes

The wrestling is a symbol of frustration as much as a workout and sport. So far, you're a loving couple with competitive urges, a drive to win, and an enjoyment of both sex play and physical combat. Yet you've written me from afar, with serious doubts. The battle to "dominate" and the risk of injury is admittedly close to crossing the safety line.

It's time to TALK, not fight - openly - about what you both want and need from the next years as a family.

Your mutual fear of losing power suggests that the division of so-called "control" leaves you both frustrated, even resentful. YOU may want more say about your own household; SHE may feel she's being treated as if she can't handle outside matters. These aren't "petty" concerns, they're more important than you acknowledge.

The wrestling matches are how you've expressed anger, since you haven't felt free to discuss things rationally and negotiate solutions. It may provide needed exercise, but you won't solve underlying problems through supremacy.

Move your relationship to the next level with healthy discussion. When you've achieved that, you may find individual gym workouts just as effective for mental and physical fitness. And you won't still risk escalating the fights into more violent grabs for power.

An ex-boyfriend of my wife appears happily devoted to his own wife of many years. Yet whenever he sees us publicly, he's all over my wife, and talks openly about when they dated, how much fun they had, etc. It makes me uncomfortable, though I know there's been nothing between them for years. How can I get him to back off without looking rude and foolish myself?

Awkward

Get your wife to run interference and block his enthusiasm with a quiet word of social wisdom: It's fine for ex'es to exchange greetings and news, but overdoing it is overkill for both partners.

FEEDBACK Regarding the Mom who didn't want her daughter, five, playing at a home with different rules from her own (June 21):

Reader - "It's wrong to teach our children that what happens in our household must happen in all households; it's also our responsibility to teach our children that people do things differently and that isn't wrong. We do not have the right to impose our values on other people as long as they operate within the law."

Oops! For the sake of allotted space, I had omitted the "clues" in a much longer letter. Yes, parents should help children understand that "different" ways are acceptable. BUT, in this case, not so. What I left out - an admitted mistake - was that the reliance on computer games of all types was constant, on several visits, and that the little girl was twice driven home in an unsafe, illegal manner.