I've been married 14 years, and have three children. Life has been pretty hectic because my husband and I both work full time. Three years ago, I began an affair with an old boyfriend and for a few weeks, I moved in with him.

I moved back in with my husband and said I wanted to work on our marriage, but I got really busy at work and school and didn't have time for all the post-affair drama at home, or for working on the marriage.

I didn't see my ex again, but have continued to have contact despite my husband's insistence; I haven't been truthful about this and believe my husband doesn't trust me.
It's been hard for him, but now I think he's considering divorce. I don't feel I can be open and honest with him, and this includes sex. I've turned down his requests for quality time, for sex, and for working on our marriage (whatever that means).

Is this a sign we're heading for divorce? Is there anything I can do to make things better? I'm not really into counselling. I've told him the affair was really no big deal and I don't see why he just can't get over it, or what I should do.

Uncertain

If there's an Oscar for self-absorption, you win!

You've pushed your husband toward divorce, after showing you're not interested in being a partner, nor a companion, or in having sex.

You avoid any emotional giving by hiding behind how "busy" you are. Sadly, there's no mention of your kids' needs, you just have "no time" for anything that'll improve your - and their - family life.

I'm being this straightforward and, some might say harsh, because you don't even offer an excuse for your attitudes - e.g. you don't suggest the marriage might've been previously troubled so that you looked for love elsewhere.

All you offer is a distorted ME-factor, where no one else in your life matters.

I urge you to get personal therapy to probe why you're so detached from others. It's crucial if you have any hope of staying connected to your children after the divorce... which will happen unless you make personal changes.

I'm a single mother, 35. I left my ex husband four years ago. It had been a marriage of convenience, and after 12 years together I realized I wanted to find "true love."
I met someone several months ago. We had an instant, strong connection, and although he acknowledged it, he admitted that he couldn't be in a serious relationship yet because he was still working through a lot of issues from his separation.
I've never been so sure about someone before in my life... I believe he's worth waiting for.
So where do I go from here?

Hopeful

Here's where you do NOT go - straight into his arms, hanging around for a commitment.

He's been honest; he's involved in the emotional and often-draining details and scenes that are part of breaking up a marriage. If you offer yourself up like a comfort blanket, he'll accept, but he'll have no reason to move forward from that cozy situation.

Be his friend, but not his exclusive lover. And not his listening post either, as you need new things to share to build a relationship, not just hear his woes.

Be open to meeting and dating others, so your options are open. This guy may be wonderful, but he's not ready.

FEEDBACK More on the bride who didn't want her relative, recently released from jail, at her wedding, despite his appearing to be turning his life around (Oct. 10):
Reader - "A wedding isn't the place to "normalize." Take it from someone who caved, and had the "but he's trying to get better" family member at her wedding - the potential for disaster goes up when there's someone with a history of trouble.

"I'll owe three of my guests for pretty much the rest of my life, and I am forever grateful that all three are martial arts experts who were willing to step up without being asked. There was a lot less fuss dealing with that relative than there could've been. But it doesn't change the fact that my mother's most clear memory of my wedding is that her brother tried to swing a chair at her when he couldn't get hard alcohol."