Dear Readers – Here are interesting leftover questions from a recent online chat on the topic, “50 Shades of Infidelity:”

We’ve been married for five years, happily (I thought) when I discovered he was talking to another woman online and sexting with her.

When confronted, he said it was a mistake, that he was flattered by her interest. It made him feel “hot” and single again, but they’d never met so nothing happened.

He insists that’s not cheating, that it’s just like having a private fantasy. Is he right?

Confused and Upset

For YOU, he’s wrong.

His behavior rocked your sense of happiness and security in your marriage. That also makes it wrong for you both as a couple.

He may get that now, but he should also get that you felt cheated, emotionally, by his seeking attention and flattery elsewhere.

Cheating always starts somewhere, and flirting is often an early, tentative step towards it.

Sexting and online chatting both have a way of escalating, since each side builds up the scenarios in their imagination. Then, it’s only an email away from getting together.

Hopefully, your husband has accepted your hurt response and has stopped contact with that woman. However, he needs to accept that he made you feel “cheated,” even without physical touching.

My boyfriend and I both stepped over the line. He visited his ex and things happened. When he stayed out overnight, I was furious, went to a bar, and hit on an old friend. Now, we’re both feeling angry and guilty at the same time, and can hardly talk. We just cling together and cry, or turn away from each other. We’ve been together six years. How do people heal an open wound?

Distraught Couple

People heal slowly from feeling betrayed, rejected, and guilty. What aids healing is talking it out, and affirming what you’ve both learned from a bad incident.

He has to know, definitively, that there are no free passes in this relationship to hooking up with his ex, and no excuses that make it okay.

You have to know that “revenge” bites YOU back again, as it puts you on the same low level of cheater, along with your boyfriend.

Start turning toward each other instead of away. Crying is just an immature way of avoiding open discussion, sincere apologies on both sides, and plans to improve how you two relate.

I’ve learned that my father had an affair many years ago when his company sent him overseas for a year and Mom stayed behind with us kids in school here. I think Mom knows because when I tried to raise it, she shut me down, saying, “that’s all 20 years ago.” But I feel cheated as a daughter! Don’t I have to resolve this with him?

Betrayed Child

You have to resolve this in your own mind. As an adult, you likely believe you have the right to make your own decisions about your relationships.

Your parents felt the same way at that time. It does appear that your mom knows, and that means they’ve handled it their own way. She’s been clear that she does NOT want you to drag it up now. Ask yourself what you’d achieve, and for what purpose… to make yourself the center of an old drama?

Unless you were abandoned, ill treated, or emotionally abused by this situation, it’s now an old story that should not be used to cast a shadow on the whole family at this time.

FEEDBACK Regarding the suburban couple whose close neighbours’ complained about their loudspeakers playing music in their backyard (Sept. 11):

Reader #1 – “Subjecting the neighbourhood to their choice of music is very selfish. Just because other neighbours haven't complained doesn’t mean they’re not bothered.

“No one in our neighbourhood plays outdoor speakers and we have both young and elderly families here. Yes, everyone mows his or her lawn, that’s a required task. Playing music is not.”

Reader #2 – “Neighbours in suburban backyards must work to maintain harmony and mutual respect.

“Outdoor speakers??!! No.

“A small portable radio in close proximity to the listener at a volume only they can hear is the solution. (I do this and don’t suffer from lack of volume).

“As someone who’s endured neighbours from hell, I do everything possible to maintain peace with my new ones. Treating others as you’d like to be treated is the first step.”