I’m in my late-20s, with my boyfriend, 29, for five years. Two years ago, while feeling insecure about our relationship, I snooped through his computer.

I found some pictures of a sexual nature that he’d taken of another woman.

When confronted, he said they were taken before we started dating. He erased the pictures but I saved them on my computer. Recently, I revisited the pictures and realized they were taken while we were dating.

I confronted him with the dates on the pictures. After first denying, he apologized, and cried, and seemed genuinely upset.

He said he’d never done it before or since, that he felt deep shame and regret. I do care about him and feel we’re very compatible, but I’ve lost all trust.

Also, he kept the photos of his cheating. He said he transferred the pictures off his phone and never thought about them again. Then, he initially didn’t admit that he cheated while we were dating.

Had I not been with him for five years and thought that I’d marry him, I probably would’ve broken up with him. But he and I have been through a lot. Would it be a mistake to still commit to him?

Confused, Unsure, and Hurt

If you can’t ever trust him again, you’ll be living with someone you’re always going to suspect of cheating. Those pictures will continue to haunt you and shadow your relationship.

Only you two can answer your concerns about the future, and it’s best probed through counselling together. Why did he cheat at that time? Is it possible for you to accept that because you two “went through a lot,” that stress caused him to cheat as an escape?

If that was his motivation, therapy is still needed for him to learn ways to relieve stress that are not harmful to your relationship or disrespectful to you. And you need to learn ways to deal with future challenges, while still trusting him.

Otherwise, the union is already doomed. Note: You mention the five years invested, but you don’t mention the word “love.”

My longtime boyfriend and I recently broke up because I can never compromise over his bad choices. They anger me, and we just get into arguments.

His choices always get us into situations involving money. He’s been living with me for a year. I love him but I’m not really happy with him.

Yet I just can’t let him go because he’s a really good guy, he just makes bad choices.

We’re still friends until we decide what’s best for us. But I don’t know if I really want to be with him, as I don’t think he’ll ever change.

Unsure

Get honest with yourself. State aloud what those “bad choices” are. You talk around them, because you hate what he’s doing and the money it wastes, especially as you’re obviously supporting you both.

Name the problem: Drugs. Alcohol. Gambling. Shaky Businesses. Whatever. The things he’s doing that you blur, as “bad choices” are things you can’t accept. They’re who he is, unless and until he decides to change.

Stay apart. Having you rescue him and allow his freeloading, is not working. Nor will taking him back repeatedly.

Set a deadline of one year without getting back together. He needs to prove that he’s got his act together and can be a true partner.

It means no “benefits” and only occasional contact, or else your friendship will just be more co-dependency.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman convinced she’s the “matriarch” for her siblings who ask her advice… and then one brother does the opposite of what she says (May 12):

Reader – “From the information provided by the writer, I feel she felt her position threatened whenever the brother didn’t follow through.

“It’s as if she needs validation more than he does. Who cares what Myers-Briggs personality type she is, why did she even need to mention it in her letter?

“Like she wanted to prove to YOU what her authority is within her family.

“I’ve found that the best advice-givers have been those who’ve helped me figure my own way out, and also those who know when to back off, knowing everyone is their own person.

“One friend played the authoritative role. I found her annoying and condescending.

“This woman needs to get over herself and stop seeking validation from having her orders followed.”