My son, late-30s, has been dating a girl for 12 years.

She's very nice, Catholic, well educated, and has a good job. She's part of our family and known to all our friends and relatives.

She's attended functions as a family member, is at our house at least two or three times weekly, and gets involved in household chores such as cooking, and cleaning.

She doesn't talk about marriage, and when we talk about it they both don't respond.

My son hasn't been introduced to her family. We are from the Indian continent. She loves our religion and takes part in all religious functions.

What do you think is the reason for her not talking about marriage and not even introducing my son to her family?

Curious

I can only speculate about the reason, while you can ask direct questions. But you haven't, possibly out of respect for your adult son's privacy, and possibly because you're uncomfortable about what the answer may be. The likeliest guess is that her parents disapprove of the union, and she's unwilling to openly defy them through marriage, yet won't give up the relationship.

What really matters here is that these two seem devoted to each other and show your family every respect and acknowledgment. Continue to treat her as warmly and inclusively as you and your friends and relatives already do.

Your son already knows that you wish for some word of their marrying, so don't pursue the questioning unless he wants to talk about it. At some point, if the couple wants to have children, there may be a change in how they handle their situation. Or not. It's their choice.

My brother-in-law has been having an affair, and has left his wife (my sister) for this woman, even though my sister's six months pregnant. The rest of our family is appalled at her husband's behaviour but he's verbally slapped down our parents (divorced) by publicly saying they have no right to comment since they both had affairs years ago.

It's brought back to all four siblings, including me, the pain of that time when our parents split, and embarrassed both our parents who are in their 70s and both happily remarried for years.

We live in a small town, so the gossipmongers have been having a feast reviewing this hash from the past. What can I, the eldest son, do to stop my brother-in-law from embarrassing us all, and end the gossip?

Ugly Mess

Hold your head high, and don't lower your actions to those of this scumbag. Yes, people have affairs, but they don't have to drag down whole families. His actions are not justified by his in-law's history.

Make sure your sister has good legal counsel to protect herself and her baby financially. Then suggest that she request that a lawyer's letter be sent to her estranged husband telling him to desist in bad-mouthing her family or risk legal action. Tell the rest of your family that they, too, need to stop talking about this guy, for the cycle to end.

If everyone involved goes quiet, there'll soon be other people's miseries for gossipers to spew around.

My friend's mother died while I was away and didn't hear about it. I don't know what to do or say now, two months later.

Awkward

Send a condolence note, mention your absence, say how sorry you are for the loss, and ask if you can visit. Call a few days later.

FEEDBACK Regarding the married man who deeply missed the woman with whom he'd had an illicit affair (Dec. 8):

Reader - "That man could easily be my spouse. I ask, why did it take four years to end the relationship since they were both already attached? Shouldn't that time have been spent on determining the cause of the marital breakdown rather than starting up another relationship?

"The true test of a relationship is surviving challenges. Michael J. Fox said that his marriage lasted not because of

their similarities but because of the way they accepted each other's differences. Beautiful. Marriage is about loving the whole person and not just the parts that make you happy.

Thank you for pointing out that escapism plays a big part in extra marital affairs. The effort that goes into the beginning of an affair likely far outweighs the effort into making the marriage work.