Part Two of Leftover Questions from my online chat “How to Change A Cheater” (May 20):

My girlfriend stays in touch with several of her ex’es. She says we’re both entitled to opposite sex friendships and it’s normal to with people you once cared for.

I say it’s fine with “friends,” but not with people with whom you had sex. I believe there’s always a spark between two people who’ve been naked and intimate together, that can get fired again.

She says I just don’t trust her and it makes her angry. Am I wrong?

Naked Debate

Many people would agree with you. And she might too, if you were in touch with women with whom you’ve been naked and intimate.

However, if you don’t have ex-girlfriends still in your life, she could easily say, No, she’d be fine with it.

So, much depends on how you’ve presented your case against these friendships.

If you’ve overreacted or made jealous assumptions, you’ve started off wrongly.

IF she insists that some ex’es are staying in her life, period, ask to be included in some of their get-togethers.

The ex should see you two together as a couple. That way, there’s no confusion about where you stand in her life.

A mutual friend told this guy to call me. When he did, he practically insisted we meet immediately.

I juggled another commitment, and met the new guy at a restaurant.

He barely looked up before he announced, “I have a girlfriend.”

I asked why he’d made the date, and he said the friend thought it was a good idea.

Is he a cheater who goes around scouting new women even though he’s in a relationship?

Or, is he an insulting jerk who just didn’t like the way I look?

Off the Wall

No matter what else he may be, he’s a jerk.

There’s no telling what his real motivation was, but what’s most important is that it should not matter to you one whit.

Tell the friend not to send you any more idiots.

Above all, don’t turn this against yourself or your “looks.” That’d be a very sad mistake.

There ARE self-obsessed jerks and users out there – male and female. They’re to be avoided.

Look for early warning signs of someone pushing too hard, too soon - whether it’s for a date, or sex, or moving in together.

Value yourself, and when you mistakenly meet someone who’s putting him or her above you, walk away.

 

After the birth of my second child who was sickly, I had a post-partum depression. I became withdrawn and secretive, sneaking away on every excuse to hire a babysitter.

I was easy prey, soon involved with a man we’d known briefly, who talked me into “running away” with him.

It was a dreadful move – he was a control freak.

I was “saved” by my husband who tracked us down, took me home, and set me up with medical care and counselling that I’d previously refused.

He never held the episode against me or said I’d “cheated.” Ten years later, I’m still aware of how lucky I am.

Lucky Girl

This is a heartwarming, real story that tells us that people who’ve cheated CAN and sometimes DO change.

It’s especially possible when the background events that led to being unfaithful, are understood.

And, it can also happen when a partner like yours has the self-confidence to know that the affair was an escapist move, related to other problems, not a rejection of him.

I discovered five years ago that my father had a “girlfriend” for the last 15 years of his life before he died.

She called me. She wanted to “connect” with me, since she too had suffered his loss.

I was stunned and also scared my mother would find out. I said I was sorry but couldn’t meet her, and hung up.

I now see my father as a cheater, after years of admiring him as a devoted father, husband, and family man.

Deeply Disillusioned

He was still your mother, and your loving relationship with him was real.

He may’ve led a double life, and may’ve had his reasons. You’ll never know them, or if it even happened.

Had you met the woman, you still wouldn’t have been able to fully distinguish what was true and what false.

Hold onto your own memories of your father, as you knew him. That’s what helped shape your life.