My sister just called to tell me that her son’s wife was in a terrible accident. Everyone is at the hospital; the couple have a toddler and she’s pregnant. I’m in the middle of a trial and can’t just leave. My wife wants to go and help, but my sister and her don’t get along that well. It goes back to a she said/she said that they both won’t give up.

I’m insisting that my wife go – she’s great with babies and is a trained midwife – and she has a great relationship with my nephew and his wife. She really wants to go but is afraid of my sister’s reaction. I’ve bought her a plane ticket and rented her a car. I’ve also purchased a car seat and had it sent to my parents for my wife to put in her rental car.

Should I tell my sister that my wife is coming? Or should she just go?

Family

I am so sorry to hear about your nephew’s wife. I hope she pulls through and that the baby can also be saved. EVERYONE needs all the support they can get, so if your wife is willing to put her own life on hold and go be by their side, making herself as useful as possible, then yes, she should go. My only stipulation is that the issue that once caused conflict should NEVER be brought up – with anyone.

If your sister reacts negatively to your wife’s appearance, your wife should simply make herself scarce, but again, as helpful as possible to whomsoever needs it. That could be your parents, your nephew, even you since you can’t be there and that must be hard for you. The only thing your wife needs to say – and only if the issue is brought up by someone else – is, “let’s agree to put our differences aside for the sake of these (adult) children who are suffering.”

So, no, I don’t think it’s necessary for you to tell your sister that your wife is coming. Tell your sister why you can’t come immediately, but then do your best to get there as soon as humanly possible. You mentioned a flight, but if it’s at all possible, try to get there for even a few hours, to support your sister and your nephew.

I’m friends with a woman whom I thought I could trust. We have shared good times and secrets, and our conversations are lengthy and fun. But now a mutual friend has asked me about something I never told her about. In fact, the only person I ever told was the first woman I mentioned. So, it’s blatantly obvious that she told this other woman.

Now I’m wondering who else she has told my secrets to over the years?

Indiscretion

You can play this three ways: One, you don’t care who knows what, and you continue in your friendship with the woman who can’t keep a secret. Two, you end your friendship with this woman because she clearly doesn’t have your back and has shared your secrets with everyone and anyone. Three, you maintain a friendship with this woman because you like her and she’s fun, but you refrain from ever telling her anything important again.

Also, you decide whether you want to out her. If it’s important to you that she knows that you know she has a big mouth, confront her. But the outcome won’t change, so only you will know if it’s worth the confrontation.

FEEDBACK Regarding the mourning of a friendship (Jan. 8):
Reader – “I find myself hard to stomach the comments from ‘mourning of a friendship.’ It seems this writer has never been a real friend to this friend in question.

“The reference to ‘a certain right-wing pundit’ is degrading to a person who stood up to his belief and fought his battles using words and debates only. He was assassinated for his beliefs by a real hater who showed his disagreement with violence and malice. This writer obviously sided with the hater and does not deserve to wonder why the friend in question was responding in silence. In fact, that could be the most courteous response to be afforded.

“I think the mourning happened on both sides.”

Observer

Lisi – You may be right; there are two sides to every story. But we are only privy to one. Friendships can, and do, end because of changes in opinions and attitudes.