My wife and I, both mid-40s, have two pre-adolescent children; I also have a daughter, 14, from my first marriage, who stays with us on weekends. We’re both successful in our careers.      
      I’ve been under stress lately, as my in-laws are at our house EVERY day. My kids used to attend an after-school program; this year my wife asked if it’d be okay for her parents, who live across town, to pick up the kids after school so we could minimize the costs.    
      The original deal was for them to come only a couple of days weekly. My mother-in-law treats my house as hers:  She cooks, does our laundry, makes our beds, cleans thehouse, empties trash cans (she goes through it first) andcleans the garage.     
      I’ve always been an independent, private person who now feels violated by this. I’ve told my wife to talk to her parents about this, and that I’d like to put my kids back in the after-school program.    
      She feels guilty asking them not to come. How can I get out of this sticky situation without rocking the boat?
      - Invaded

You’ve become the poster family for the old saying, “there’s no free lunch.” Nor free pick-up service either. It seems you can afford the program’s costs, as well as housekeeping help, so end the in-law takeover.         
      Your wife will feel a whole lot guiltier if she lets it continue until you blow up at her parents or the divide between you two grows into a gulf.  
      If she wants a close grandparent connection to continue, come up with another plan such as the kids going to their place after school twice weekly, with one of you getting them on the way home from work.

After four years together, we recently got married. My husband was never "fit," but recently his eating and weight have gotten out of control.     
      Despite my buying healthy foods and making balanced meals, I’m constantly finding empty fast-food containers and receipts in his car. I’m worried that his weight gain might pose a risk for heart disease and diabetes (which run in his family). He never works out, is always “too tired.”    
      My career requires me to maintain a high level of physical fitness so it’s hard to see him treat his body like this. I think he has a serious food addiction, or is unable to make healthy choices on his own.      
      How can I approach the subject without being insulting or hurtful?
      - Worried

So long as you take over the worrying and the food management, he doesn’t have to. Back off, after first insisting that he sees a doctor and gets informed about the state of his health and potential risks.     
      Then, suggest a team approach: If he joins a proven health-nutrition or weight-reduction program, you’ll shop and cook with him. Many such programs provide information on how to order in restaurants and even which fast-food choices are nutritionally better.      
      You can reward each other for the effort with a “date night” of dinner out – enjoying the challenge without the nagging or anxiety that can affect your relationship.

What’s the more polite gesture of appreciation for a week long house guest – a gift or formal thank-you note afterward? What if the hosts already have “everything?”
      - Curious

A useful gift – e.g. a book or music CD of their taste - is always appreciated; and a sincere (not necessarily formal) note of thanks afterward, is a must.

FEEDBACK Here’s a response to a February 17 question regarding adult children of a remarried spouse not inviting children of the other spouse to family events:      
      Reader – “My parents had a messy divorce which ended two marriages involving seven children aged from 10 to 17.        
      “I’ve put the past behind and happily accept my parent's spouse into my life. We have family get-togethers that include my remarried parent and spouse.      
      “It’d be reasonable for my parent to demand that I invite the spouse's children. But I barely know them, they’re acquaintances I hear about only through my parent.      
      “Why would I want to spend a family Christmas with them, including the work/expense added by inviting them, their spouses and kids?      
      “I sympathize with children who’ve lost family traditions. Compassion and understanding are needed to help even adult children deal with changes and complications from divorce.       
      “Forcing change only leads to anguish and bitterness.”