I had a short “fling” with my now-boyfriend, while travelling Europe. We kept in touch for a year.
I moved to his home country last May, for work, and soon, for an exclusive relationship together. I returned home and he joined me six months ago on a temporary work visa.
Our “issue” is his ex-girlfriend, whom he dated while living in Europe. She also later moved to his home country, just before I moved there.
While I was dating him there, I knew from mutual friends and social media that they were involved, but he never told me.
She apparently considered herself his “girlfriend,” as did everyone else.
He ended that relationship to be with me, and generally is very considerate and caring. But I have trouble trusting him concerning this girl, who’s moved to a city near us, as her stated "Plan B."
He Skype’s, texts, and chats with her, saying that they’re friends.
I know that I’m sometimes insecure in relationships. However, I discovered (snooped) he was planning to travel with her and the guy she’s now seeing, plus her friend, to a nearby city.
He cancelled, only because he later realized it was Canadian Thanksgiving weekend. I hate snooping, but always find reasons to trust him less.
He says he’ll visit her in future, I can't tell him whom to be friends with.
What boundaries are appropriate?
He’s somewhat open to attending counselling with me. I'm unsure how I can overcome jealousy of his past.
Stuck and Insecure
TWO issues scream for resolve: Agreeing on boundaries, and separating your general insecurity from his specific disregard.
By all standards of an exclusive relationship, he’s leading this girl on. She’s followed him, purposefully. He clearly likes the flattery and is used to it (you followed him, too).
It’s too facile for him to dismiss your snooping and insecurity as controlling his “friendship.” She’s a predatory ex. You’re wise to be suspicious, but snooping’s a crummy way to prove it.
Your tendency to be insecure in relationships is a separate matter for you to explore with a counselor. But unless you two set boundaries, and you’ll need counselling help to do so, he won’t last with you past his visa.
I’m 24, got my first full-time job, and moved in with a female friend after discussing it for months. I immediately regret it.
I just didn’t realize how much I needed to save up before being out on my own. It’d make more sense for me to stay at home, save money, possibly get a car (cheaper than rent plus all the extras).
I feel trapped. I feel like I’m just trying to be nice by staying. If I express my feelings, I’ll let down my parents, (who’ve supported me so much with this), my friend, and everyone who knows that I’ve moved out.
I try to think of the positives and making it work, but the “cons” of being there outweigh “pros.”
Talk to your supportive parents. They’ll bring understanding and experience to a discussion with you about the “cons.” Perhaps your friend isn’t easy to live with, her habits/behavior worrying you, the costs way too high for your earnings.
They’ll help you look at things more calmly, so you can decide your next move without guilt or embarrassment.
Everyone has a right to their own choices, for their own reasons.
You’ll have to help your friend find another roommate, by sub-letting. A good friend should want you to be comfortable wherever you live.
FEEDBACK Regarding a father's relationship with his personal support worker (Oct. 10):
Reader – “On personal service-oriented jobs e.g. PSW, visiting nurse, etc., it’s usually an express rule not to be involved with your client.
“An intertwine of the professional and emotional aspects has to be defined properly and delicately.
“However, if such involvement results from compassion and real concern, the woman has to deal with it the right way (through her boss), and the father should tell his adult children the real intensity of his relationship.
“And the kids should assure that their father is protected from anything abusive or advantageous.
“If the woman’s sincere and unattached, she should correct the situation by requesting her company to no longer be assigned to the client, so that they can still continue the relationship personally.”
A-All true, so long as the adult children have assured protection for their father, legally, and emotionally.
All true, so long as the adult children have assured protection for their father, legally, and emotionally.
Tip of the day:
Stop snooping and confront reasonable suspicions openly.