Four years ago I engaged in behaviour while intoxicated that caused a married couple who’ve been my close friends for 25 years to not welcome me in their home.      
      I’ve been sober for three years, and the husband wants to maintain our friendship, but his wife still doesn’t want me in her house. While that’s their prerogative, it’s hurtful to my recovery and self-esteem.      
      So, I avoid my male friend, though he makes an effort to stay in touch. I just don't see any solution, as I can't tell them how to feel or what to do.
      - Stumped

The husband’s acceptance and interest in you could equally be viewed as beneficial to your recovery and self-esteem. After all, you did something that previously upset him, yet he’s acknowledged your sobriety and forgiven you.     
      I’m betting that his wife isn’t the only person with a long memory and you can’t expect everyone from that period to be more interested in your progress than his or her own comfort level.    
      Be proud of what you’ve accomplished and let occasional contact with your old friend bolster your resolve and hard effort to stay sober. His wife may come around, or not.      
      One caveat: If her distance somehow rattles your resolve, then you must protect yourself as you see fit. Perhaps you can explain this to the husband and hope his understanding persists until you’re able to be friends again.

We’ve been married for 18 years; many ups and downs faded the initial crazy love, but we’ve always shared complete trust. I’d rely on him for my life and our kids’ lives.    
      Yet one thing really bugs me: He hears what he wants to hear, no matter what words I use. He’s gained a lot of weight, developing a big belly that I literally hate. I’m disgusted by it; he’s lost his sexual appeal for me.      
      I keep telling him what I feel (sometimes with strong words) as I believe there should be no secrets. He promises to do something, but there’s always some excuse.     
      It creates bigger problems as I feel he can’t keep his promise, which makes me disrespect him. Sex is a very important part of his life and still he doesn’t even try something so I can want sex with him.        
      I feel helpless. I don’t consider it a good reason for divorce  - especially having two teenagers - but at 41, I want to enjoy looking at my husband.
      - Turned Off

If a man wrote of such disgust for a wife’s belly, most women would expect me to verbally slap him down for a selfish lack of compassion, since weight is known to be such an emotional issue for some females.    
      Well, frankly, YOU show a selfish lack of compassion. You claim to have mutual “trust” that suits you, yet blame your husband’s struggle with weight on his breaking promises, purposefully.    
      You say you rely on him, but you don’t give him any of your support to rely on. He naturally doesn’t want to “hear” you, because you talk of “disgust” rather than offering support.    
      While getting into better shape is his responsibility, encouraging him to see a doctor and a nutritionist, to join a gym or get a trainer, to start walking “dates” with you as part of being a caring partner.    
      Just “turning off” is escapism. Having teenagers should’ve helped you learn the crucial importance of encouragement, if you want results.

FEEDBACK Here’s one reader’s view on “gaming,” in response to a concerned wife’s question on February 22:
      Reader – “His wife said that he played during his free time. She didn’t say his hobby was interfering with his work, and even noted he’d recently been spending less time gaming and more time with his family. I wouldn't interpret that as addiction.     
      “I believe gaming is unfairly judged as being addictive and antisocial. I’m a gamer who still excels at work and school. I see some friends regularly. If I were in a relationship and my partner demanded I give up my 'troublesome gaming habit,' I’d walk away."
      Answer - It was the husband’s increasing friendship with a gaming gal pal that moved the wife to write me. Like any other frequently repeated behaviour OR addiction, gaming may create health or social problems either for the individual or his/her relationships.