My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. He’s 14 years older than me, and has been divorced once. I'm 25.

Recently, we’ve discussed moving in together. Problem is, he doesn't want to get married and has told me that I'll have to get over that, if I'm thinking of moving in.
And, I realize that I'm really not okay with that. But I love him and can't imagine my life without him. Every time we talk about it, we get into an argument and change the subject.
So my options seem to be, get over the marriage thing, or move on. Both of which make me very upset to think about. I don't know what to do or say and need help.

Broken Dreams

Unfortunately, I can imagine your life living with him over the years – arguments erupting whenever you feel insecure about not being married, more issues re: having kids (especially as you get older and may feel the ticking clock).

Also, your own letter has sounded alarms such that I can easily imagine him controlling the relationship, with you becoming increasingly frustrated and unhappy.

One alarm comes from his choice of words, that you “get over” what matters to you, since it’s something different from what matters to him.

The other alert is your mentioning his age as a first detail about him. It subtly suggests that he has the upper hand, not just that there’s an age gap between you.

Also, at 39, he IS at an age of turning-point decisions, and one of his is against marriage.

He may one day change his mind, but I believe it’s not likely he’ll do so for you, because he holds all the power between you two.

Do NOT just give in to secure him. If you can’t just say, “No, this isn’t for me,” then get personal counselling and learn more about yourself - who you are, what you want, and what you can accept from him or anyone else.

My husband’s siblings (adults) have quarreled all their lives. One often tries to get my husband involved, while the other sibling’s happy to just leave things as is.

Several years ago, my husband said he’s no longer participating in their on-going disputes. We have young children and great careers, and this situation was draining and stressful on us.

Is this the right thing to do? At what point is one no longer “responsible” for sorting out family quarrels?

Uncertain Role

There’s a line between protecting oneself and withdrawing. He’s clearly been a moderate voice and conciliatory influence on the other two.

But it takes time, energy, and does cause stress to be in the middle.

A couple of approaches: Do nothing; he’s already backed away. (This could cause lack of contact with both, even on happy occasions, also potential major rifts if there are future parent care and/or inheritance issues.)

OR, he could say he’s not interested in trivial disputes and personality differences, only to stay in touch… and he’ll get involved if anything’s a major issue (e.g. health, parent care, etc.).

A third option does require some involvement:

Since he’s the trusted brother for the other two, he could say it’s time they grow up and resolve whatever has caused their basic jealousy/antagonism.

It could be parental favouritism, competition, an old hurt, etc. If they’ll go to family counselling, and sort it out, he’ll stay “involved” with them when they’re freed from this burden.

FEEDBACK Regarding a couple having joint bank accounts (July 10):

Reader – “Joint accounts should have nothing whatever to do about control by one spouse over the other.

“My husband and I have always had everything jointly, and we agree that open accounts between us is better for honesty and sharing in marriage.

“As to who can spend what amount, we trust each other to use common sense. Neither of us asks the other for permission.

“Occasionally, a large purchase will be discussed beforehand or afterwards, but there’s emotional openness regarding leeway for differing opinions.

“Some couples use an allowance system for both of them to make their purchases, so that each decision needn't be approved by the other.

“Joint or open access accounting with banking and email/facebook, show willingness to be open with the one person in your life you've formally agreed to share yourself and your life.”