Should I tell a former lover something I’ve learned about her new boyfriend, which will hurt her? I feel she’d want to know, because she’s considering moving in with him.

I know her well enough that if she finds out later, she’ll not take it well. Should I keep it to myself, or risk seeming like a jealous former lover?

Wavering in North Carolina

There’s nothing more suspect than a former lover with a bad-news message about the next one. So it’s hard for you to come out looking just helpful and considerate in this, even if that’s what you’re really feeling.

IF you two had stayed close, it’d be natural for you to pass information on. Even if you know it’ll bother her, she may not at all appreciate hearing it from anyone, let alone you. And she may already know.

Unless you’d be withholding information that could be harmful to her health, I say leave it alone.

If you do hear that she moved in, and it seems normal for you to call and wish her well, it may give you a chance to be supportive if she has later problems.

She’s an adult, so perhaps will discover what you’re talking about for herself, and then handle it.

I recently got engaged to a man I’ve been with for five years. Lately, our relationship seems always on the rocks. We have a constant pattern of arguing, which stems from me feeling upset about something, or snapping, while he’ll get upset that I’ve gotten angry.

These arguments can last a week, because I’ve upset him, and he takes a long time to get over even the smallest things. His constant mantra is that I’m selfish.

Our arguments are fairly small and sometimes petty. A recent one revolved around my wanting to stay later at my family’s gathering, while he wanted to leave early to celebrate his brother's birthday.

When I expressed that I was hurt and upset, he said I should’ve been happy for him that he was going to have a good time.

When he’s angry with me, he refuses to pick up phone calls, or will cancel our plans together that day. He says he needs time away from me when he feels this way, but how can someone say they love you but not want to look at your face?

How would that affect our marriage in the long run? Is he going to walk out every time we disagree? Or will I constantly have to listen to him telling me that I’m selfish and don't love him?

Always at Odds

Compromise is not just a word; it’s a way of getting along when two people have different interests or opinions. You wanted to be longer with your family; he wanted to be with his brother. Your behaviour was self-interested, as opposed to seeing that it was time for him to go. (Or, you could’ve worked out a way to stay while he left; not every move has to be together).

By your own description, you “get upset and/or snap.” Then he gets upset. It’s an immature pattern on both your parts, but you seem to initiate it by not raising an issue calmly, or discussing a repeated problem ahead.

Yes, he’s equally at fault for holding onto his upset, like a silent tantrum. Before you set that wedding date, get to couples’ counselling. Neither of you have a clue how to fight fair.

One of my best friends met this guy and really liked him. But he told me that she wasn't dating till the end of HIGH SCHOOL. She even liked another guy a lot. But the first guy really liked me. I like him back.

So now we’re dating. But when I told my friend she went haywire and has tried EVERYTHING to break us up, making up these guys who had sex with me, etc.

I don't understand why he won't stop talking to her. I even told him to choose, and he chose me, but is still friends with her.

Annoyed

Try having some understanding for another’s feelings. You’ve got the guy she once wanted. That’s embarrassing. She badmouthed you, but you all know it’s not true, just a reaction.

Meanwhile, your guy’s being decent and thoughtful about you as a girlfriend, and her as a friend. That’s a good example for you to follow, too.