I was recently shocked to learn my husband occasionally does recreational drugs. I knew he’d experimented when younger (as did I), but believed that ended when we married 10 years ago.
I was furious at his deception, upset that some of the drugs are fairly hard-core. We have young children.
I’m disgusted at his irresponsibility and feel betrayed.
I firmly disbelieve that our kids should ever think drugs are okay, and do believe we should be role-models.
He says I’m over-reacting since it’s infrequent.
Tell Hubby this is no longer just about his right to occasionally do drugs; it’s a core value you two need to agree on when raising youngsters.
His secrecy is the betrayal… he obviously knew your feelings, and indulged his “recreation” when away from you. He acted like a misbehaving child.
Don’t fall into the trap of being an angry, lecturing mother to him. Instead, be clear about your parental roles and where you draw the line.
Is it mutually acceptable for your children to know he does drugs sometimes? Or for him to do them outside the home and hope they never find out?
If you can’t agree, this could be a deal-breaker. However, before you let anger rule, try working together to handle this new information. There may be much more to discuss about core values and communication.
My mother, 74, is a drama queen, and getting worse. I’m always running interference between her and my husband as she’s constantly demanding he drive her, shop for her, fix things, etc.
Mama Drama isn’t likely to change, but you and your husband can alter your responses.
Set reasonable limits on when she can call (don’t answer at other
times). He can refuse some chores, and help her when he’s able to.
If her theatrics increase, have her family doctor check her, and consider hiring some part-time assistance/care-giving.
I’m 19 and have 2 babies (one year, and two months), and with the father on and off for over two years.
I feel we went way too fast with our relationship. Now we do nothing but argue CONSTANTLY! I decided to stop this last month.
We don’t have custody of our children because of him. He blames me for EVERYTHING! But I still love him and keep wondering if it can work out somehow.
We both want to be friends now but I fear I may end up going back to a life I no longer want.
Am I foolish for thinking things can work out between us??
You’re right that you went “way too fast,” and ended up with responsibilities you were too young and immature to handle. Now two children’s lives are up for grabs… hopefully, whoever has custody will raise them with love, devotion, and good sense, so they don’t end up as vulnerable to careless relationships as you did.
It’s time for you to grow up, and stop day-dreaming romantic fantasies about this guy – they’re impossible to achieve, because you two have a set, volatile pattern of fighting, blaming, and fleeing.
Your instinct to end this shows a ray of light – for improving your self-esteem and developing higher standards for yourself. The way to have more from life than what you’ve accepted is to go after it – boost your education, seek a good job, become independent enough to want only an equal, healthy relationship in the future.
I liked a guy at school and he likes me.
We talked on the phone a lot, but I stopped calling him. He asked if I stopped because I didn’t like him. I said I was busy (true). But it’s also because I’m starting to not like him.
He thinks we’re in a relationship. I don’t, so there shouldn’t be any break-up involved, he should just get the message. But he might expect to be told.
- Confused in Markham
The entry level of a “relationship” often starts with phoning, or text-messaging, so he may’ve had different expectations from yours. This is an excellent time to learn to be open and honest in relationships – it’ll help you speak up for what you want, while still being sensitive to others’ feelings.
Be clear: “I like you as a friend, I don’t want a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. See you at school next fall.”
Tip of the day:
Parents need to present a united front on their core values – from household responsibilities to deception, as well as attitudes on alcohol and drugs.