My daughter’s friend, whom we’ve known now for two years, has two siblings – one older, one younger. The younger one is adopted, though you would never know: he looks incredibly like the mother and a cousin on the mother’s side.

And that’s the issue: he doesn’t know. My daughter’s friend knows; I assume that her older sibling knows if she knows; and obviously the parents know…. But this child doesn’t know. He’s only nine years old, so I guess he hasn’t needed to know. Yet.

I’m not judging because I don’t know how I would handle the situation. But it seems odd to me that the whole family knows – and even friends, and friends of friends – but not the child.

What’s your take?

Open and honest

In decades past, the idea of not telling your adopted child the truth at first was the norm, but now it’s highly recommended to start telling your children from the minute they become yours.

I spoke with a woman who adopted her child about a decade before this one, and she finds it exceptionally strange that the family hasn’t told their son, ESPECIALLY if other people know. She believes it could be very harmful. She suggests telling your child from the minute you bring them home. It’s their story and they should know it.

She suggests creating a birth story book, just as many parents do for their biological children, as a great way for adoptive children to learn about where they come from, their history, and any interesting facts about their heritage. She notes that sometimes the details regarding the reason why people choose to give their children up for adoption can be negative, which is why adoptive parents should be thoughtful about what details they give and when. As in everything, the information should be age-appropriate.

It’s very common for adoptions to be open, which could include the adoptive parents meeting the pregnant mother; pictures shared with the birth mother over the years; sharing medical history, mainly from the parent to the child. This can help keep the child connected to their racial, cultural and biological roots.

This situation, of many knowing but not the child, has disaster written all over it. This boy should know his story and now.

However, it’s not your place to say or do anything. It’s not your story. But I strongly suggest you advise your daughter not to repeat what her friend told you. It’s not yours (or hers) to share.

My in-laws have a farm just outside of the city. My husband and I went up at least once a month, to enjoy the quiet and nature. Once we had our daughter, we started to go twice a month.

We were invited to spend a week each month of the summer, and we loved it. We found lots of fun things to do with the baby, and we just relaxed. As our daughter got older, we started finding more activities for her, and through those activities, we met another little girl who became fast friends with our daughter.

When we’d pick them up from their activity, they’d be clinging to each other begging not to part. So, we started having playdates, which led to sleepovers, which has basically led to this little girl living with us every summer for two weeks out of each month.

Our daughter is never invited over. What’s going on?

Mom of one

I had a similar question recently, and interesting feedback. I don’t know what’s going on, but if that child is happy with you and you have the capacity to give her love, attention, food and a playmate, keep doing what you’re doing. She’ll never forget you.

FEEDBACK Regarding dating a smoker (Nov. 15):

Reader – “I’m an old grandpa and have lots of experience with dating, and friendship with smokers. My parents were also lifelong heavy smokers and I always had problems with it. I have never felt comfortable around smokers since I can't stand the smell.

“I’ve had to stop relationships with smokers and left my parents place as soon as I could, despite my father's pleading.

“My ex-wife smoked when we met, and I asked her to stop to continue our relationship.

“I currently live alone and can't have my windows open at night because a smoker lives next door, and sits outside smoking, which drifts into my house.

“My suggestion to the woman dating the smoker is to find someone else. This won’t go away even if he offers to smoke outside. His car, clothes, even hair will still smell of smoke.”