My boyfriend and I have been together for some time now, and it feels like he no longer wants to do the fun stuff we used to do together when we first started dating. At least not with me.

He complains that he needs to save money and not spend so much, so we try to eat at home and not go out to eat.  But this never seems to be an issue when he goes out with friends to eat or drink.  When I suggest doing something like going to a concert or show, he says the same thing. I have no problem paying for things or inviting him to come along and it be my treat.  But the answer is still no.

The only time this changes is if his friends join us, so it's not just the two of us. I know that I can do these things with other people in my life but would prefer to share them with him.  What do I do?

Something’s Changed

Yes, something has changed: your boyfriend’s feelings for you. I’m not trying to be unkind, but if a person makes blanket statements, then changes their behaviour with other people, it’s clear they’re no longer being honest with you.

For example, if your boyfriend insisted that he needed to go to bed every night at 9 p.m. and therefore you two could never go out for drinks, or to a party, but he then went out with his mates until 11 p.m., that would be obvious, correct?

This is the same thing. Do NOT offer to take him to a show or pay for him at a restaurant. This is NOT about sharing the expense. This is about him not wanting to spend time with you alone. You could try talking to him, but I believe he’s going to string you along. I think you need to start seeing things more clearly.

We live on a great street with wonderful neighbours. We know a lot of them by name. When sitting on our porch having a glass of wine before dinner, we will say hello and wave as many of them pass by, on their way home. Some will stop and chat for a few minutes, which is lovely and welcome.

There are a couple of them, though, who come right up to our steps and launch off on a monologue of how their day was, how their family is, segueing from one subject to the next without even allowing us to partake in the conversation. This can go on for up to 20 minutes until I finally make an excuse to leave, such as, “Oh, I better check on dinner.”

It essentially ends our personal - and what should be private - time on our porch.

What do you think is the best approach to end this somewhat abusive behaviour?

Too Close

I’m not “blaming the victim” but you invite the neighbourly camaraderie by saying hello and chatting with passersby on their way home from work. You don’t have a gate, so why wouldn’t they feel they can come a bit closer? And you initiated the conversation, so they’re just continuing it.

I’m not saying they’re NOT being intrusive and overstaying their welcome, and/or giving you more information than is necessary or interesting. But unfortunately, I don’t think you can put a timer on how long they can stay and chat.

You could engage in deeper conversation when you see those people approaching, and ideally they’ll notice and just give a quick wave. You could also “receive” an important call you “must” take.

They’re not being abusive; they just need to let off steam and you’re the first stop.

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