I’ve been with my “boyfriend” over 10 years, living together for five. 

He owns his own home; I’ve done landscaping and work on it.

He pays “HIS” bills, I pay my own, and contribute to groceries.

He refuses my contributing to household bills, stating it’s “HIS HOUSE.”

I do ALL the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and have two part-time jobs.

My son died at 26 and my nephew visits me weekly as they were like brothers, but my “boyfriend” asks him to leave as soon as he gets home, and refuses to eat dinner while he’s here. He has many such house rules.

We haven’t married because he had prostate cancer and he said we don’t know how long we have to live.

He says I only want to marry him for his house. He SAYS he gave a letter to his mother stating how long I should be allowed to stay here, should he die, and what possessions were mine. I never saw it.

Am I crazy for staying?

He has his own buddies and family over regularly.

- A Confused Grandma

Take care of YOUR security, too. This isn’t about greed, it’s about facing reality and knowing how to plan. 

Currently, you’re a glorified housekeeper in exchange for accommodation and whatever companionship passes between you.

Given his excluding of your family, and concern for his possessions, it doesn’t sound like a satisfying exchange for you.

A lawyer can help you both to draw up a proper “agreement.” This should also give you the confidence to challenge some of the sillier house rules, e.g. about your guest.

Tell your guy that an agreement is in his best interest, too, since his arbitrary “letter” may be open to being contested, based on your relationship.

His attitude during any discussion – especially if he refuses – will help you decide your next move.

My husband of 20 years (three children) and I are good friends, but we’re not good at being married. He seems to believe that we should live separate lives!  

On Thursday nights he goes to the gym but recently he met up with some clients instead, and didn’t tell me he’d be doing so. I had an urgent family matter and when I finally reached him on his cell phone, he said he was not at the gym.

I later said I would’ve appreciated his telling me that he changed his routine. His reply: “I don’t have to tell you everything I do.”

This answer made me even more upset but he thinks I over reacted.

He never asks me where I go or what I do and now I realize it’s because he doesn’t want me to ask him.

He says that if he really wants to know, he’ll ask, but he never wants to know.

- Questioning

This one-time incident was NOT a big deal, especially since you could still reach him, and independence has long been a pattern you’ve accepted. 

I’m guessing that you’re now going through some personal changes which are natural… perhaps lifestyle adjustments with kids growing older, hormonal changes, whatever.

Talk to your husband about your needs, rather than blaming him for his so-called failings: You want more closeness, and would like to do more things together. Make suggestions, such as a “date night” once a week, taking walks after dinner, etc.

Don’t impose these as demands, rather as ways for renewing your old friendship.

I’m 18, in love with this girl but also in love with my ex-girlfriend; I want them both but I know I can’t. One is in college, and the other still in high school, like me. 

My ex and I stay into it; the other just loves me for me.

Which way shall I lean?

- Mixed Up

Lean towards gaining experience and maturity by continuing to date others, and encouraging these girls to do the same. 

Your dual feelings are evidence that you have attractions to different females for different reasons.

Eventually finding a serious, more lasting relationship, comes from discovering which traits in another are most important to you.

By picking one of these two now, you stop the process of gaining more self-understanding and becoming more selective and ultimately more able to commit to one person.

Explain this gently to both “girlfriends,” and they’ll be grateful for your honesty.