I’ve been in an intermittent relationship with a woman for 25 years. 

This past year, it’s been steady and intimate, involving many trips and frequent overnight stays at my home.

Last summer we had a disagreement over a personal issue but I thought we’d resolved it.

Yet, since then, five items have gone missing from my home (including an expensive, for me, pair of shoes). The common element involving the missing items was her presence in my home. I’d indicated that the items had special significance to me.

I’m convinced she took them as she implicated herself when I mentioned them to her and no one else had visited my home.

I researched Kleptomania and mental disorders and found that some of her behaviours are indicative of a mental disorder.

Questions: 1) Is there such an illness as “Vindictive Kleptomania” (I’m not sure she’s gotten over the past issue)?

2) Do I discuss the missing items with her adult children?

3) Do I discuss the issue with her (I’d like to have my shoes back)?

- Wondering

Some people would say that an “intermittent relationship” carried on over 25 years could warrant doing research on “commitment phobia.” But it wouldn’t mean that a layman without professional expertise could diagnose “mental illness” in either you or this woman! Nor should you go down that risky and insulting path. 

You’ve not had anything disappear before this, through all these years, so don’t mention your kleptomania label to her or her adult children.

Instead, ask her directly if she took your things… whether for sentimental reasons or because she’s angry with you.

If she denies it – and you still doubt her – this drawn-out relationship is probably over, unless you forgive and forget.

It may be worth buying a new pair of shoes to either clear the air between you, or recognize that you both need a fresh start with new partners.

My new mother-in-law loves cooking and sharing, as do I; however, my senses of smell and taste are quite strong and often my mother-in-law’s food delights bear the musty stale smell of her century home (and fridge).  

Cleanliness is not an issue.

I’m positive that she feels insulted when I don’t snack when we visit, or finish the food on my plate at family meal. The latter only happens when I feel nauseous if I taste the “house” in it -about 50% of the time.

She’s made disappointed comments about my wasteful eating habits.

My husband understands this issue because I’m a sensitive person in general, with sensitive skin, environmental allergies, etc.

How can I handle this respectfully, without sounding like I’m making excuses?

- Smelly Taste

Spoken excuses are better than unspoken resistance, and sensitivities are better than insults. Have your understanding husband help you out on this: He can “confide” to his mom privately about your environmental and allergic reactions and how hard it is for you to eat some foods, and also unpredictable what foods will suddenly upset you. 

Do NOT mention the mustiness of the house or fridge.

Then, when visiting, call ahead sometimes to bring something (and eat it); at other times alert your mother-in-law to a bout of feeling ill.

One way to prove your regard for her cooking expertise is to invite her to your place to help you cook up many of her recipes. That way, she’ll get your respect without you getting nauseous!

I’m 19 and have only had one relationship, when I was 14. 

I became obsessed with a guy several years ago and we were sort of friendly; now he’s moved away and is already engaged. I try to forget him, but then I get an “obsession” about someone else.

I couldn’t concentrate at school and quit.

How can I stop being so obsessive?

- Need Help

There are strategies and treatments that can help people with obsessions learn to change or manage their behaviour. You need to talk to a counsellor who specializes in this field and can help you.  

See your family doctor, or a community agency like your local “Y” or Family Services Association, and ask for referral to a behaviourial therapist.

Meanwhile, find out what you have to do to get back into school. Focusing on your education will help you set goals and plan for your future.