My new neighbour in an apartment upstairs is unhappily married. She confessed this and told me she’s very lonely because her husband is away a lot for his job. 

She basically picked me up in the elevator one day and insisted I come in for coffee. Nothing happened, we just talked, but she was openly hinting about having an affair with me.

I’m a divorced man, in my late-30s, father of two kids who come to me on alternate weekends. But during the week I’m pretty much on my own.

I’m currently not interested in getting involved with anyone for a serious relationship, as I’m barely recovering from the chaos of splitting with my volatile ex-wife. So it’s a perfect set-up for me to have someone available for companionship and intimacy, so close at hand, with no strings attached. We’d be helping each other.

What do you think?

- A Good Deal

This is NOT a good deal, it’s a disaster waiting to happen. Finding a suitable companion for sex and small talk is one thing; but playing around with the wife of someone you’ll meet in the lobby, is playing with fire. 

Here are a few ways sparks can start flying: He’ll come home unexpectedly one day; or another busybody neighbour sees the signs and starts gossiping about you two. Then there are your kids who might be there when she decides to come down uninvited, and tell your explosive ex about this “stranger” appearing during your quality time.

Besides, what else do you really know about this woman other than her instant confessions of loneliness and desire for you? There’s too much risk here.

Be polite in refusing, and stay out of the elevator unless others are there too.

I’m finding that my adult children expect a lot from me and don’t accept that I’m getting tired and also need my own time to do even nothing. 

There are “sudden” calls to baby sit, to take a child overnight, to pick up another one at school and then drive car pool for four kids to a sports practice.

I love my grandkids, and their parents always have good excuses why they need me so desperately – like a doctor’s appointment or a conflict with another child’s schedule.

The one that gets me is, “But Mom, we’re so tired and need a break.” Well, me too.

Yet whenever I balk or have to refuse there’s such hurt and implied guilt that I double back, change my schedule and do as asked.

How do I break this pattern?

- Exhausted

Time to be the mother again, and set limits. Be firm about what you can handle and what you cannot, and when the “guilty” messages start flowing, brush them off by saying you and they all know that you do your best, you don’t have to keep proving it. 

Of course, respond in real emergencies. And do have a regular schedule of visits with the grandkids, which you can manage comfortably.

Otherwise, if one of these adult children is consistently relying on you for the same added chauffeur or babysitting service, tell her/him to fill that need some other way.

Get yourself busy on some of the days you normally get these “sudden” requests, by doing some activity that’s healthy, relaxing and/or of real interest to you. When your children see that you have a schedule of your own, they’ll know they have to make other arrangements.

My husband’s father passed away far from here; he lived with his wife in a seniors’ home. We’d visited them, six months ago.

If I return for the funeral, it’s expensive, I’ll miss work, and it’s tedious spending hours with his mother in a place that smells of old people, where there’s nothing to do. Must I go?

- Reluctant

Pull yourself together and be a partner to your husband at a difficult time for him. He’ll have a lot of tasks to undertake, and will appreciate your company and help (IF you are uncomplaining). This is one of the ways we all learn what the responsibility of one generation to another is truly about. 

You’ll some day want the same consideration during your experiences of loss; not to mention that together, in times like these, you set the standard for how you yourselves hope to be cared for, when it’s needed.