I’ve been living a lie for years. My husband and I put on a good show, but behind closed doors we’re barely roommates. We still share a bedroom and a bed, but there hasn’t been any intimacy between us for years. We still play our roles: he wakes up and makes me tea; we check in during the day; I cook dinner unless we have plans; and we go out with friends and family. But we don’t do any activities together or go on date nights. We don’t watch TV together or talk about our interests.

But I’m desperately lonely and lacking for love and affection. At 70, I’m not ready to never have sex again. I’m not ready to never cuddle again. I love my husband, but I want to feel loved by him and I don’t.

Do I have any other choice but to have an affair? Can I do that?

Senior Sexy Back

You have many other choices than going to the trouble of having an affair. I’m sorry you’re feeling as you do, and I want you to make some change so you can have a happy and fulfilling life, however that looks for you.

My first suggestion is to talk this through with a therapist alone, to figure out exactly what you want, and to help you see if your present husband could be the man you want. You could also initiate some change. For example, you could suggest a walk in the woods. While you’re outside, you could tell him how you’re feeling and that you’ve started seeking help. Ask him how he feels.

Together, I suggest you see a marriage counsellor. It’s never too late or too early. They may not be helpful, but it’s worth a try. If your husband just isn’t on the same page, then it’s time to make a change. But still, I would suggest a separation over an affair. Far less complicated and kinder to your present partner.

Years ago, I was convinced my wife was having an affair. I even trailed her several times to try and catch her. I never did. We fought about it for a long time. She consistently assured me that she wasn’t having an affair. But after a while, she threatened to start one just to shut me up. I never fully believed her.

Years later, I found myself having an affair. My wife was oblivious. After a few months, I was so surprised that she hadn’t noticed that I started leaving hints. I was so unnerved by her seeming lack of suspicion that I came clean. She told me she knew all along, discussed it with her therapist, and together decided I needed to get it out of my system for our marriage to finally have a healthy future.

With both of those incidents behind us, we now have a strong relationship. But why do I still have this sneaking suspicion she’s hiding something from me?

Suspicious

I’m not sure why you can’t fully trust your wife. I have no idea whether she was having an affair years ago, or whether she’s having one now. What I do know is that it cannot be fun or healthy for her to live with a constantly suspicious husband.

You need to decide. Either you don’t trust her and therefore can no longer be married to her, or you let your suspicions go and enjoy your marriage. Living under a constant microscope must be awful for her. And living in constant uncertainty must be awful for you.

Talk to a marriage counsellor before throwing in the towel but get off this teeter-totter before you drive her away or make yourself crazy.

FEEDBACK Regarding the “mismatched” couple (Dec. 9):

Reader – “This was a couple I knew.  He was 300 lbs over six feet tall.  She was less than five feet and not much more than 100 lbs.; and he is 10 years older than she.  As far as I am aware, they are still going strong after more than 25 years.

“Sometimes the best response is NO response.  Say and do NOTHING. Those who know them already know.

“When this couple encounters public stares, comments or open shaming, they flash a ‘knowing smile’ then laugh at the resulting ‘chatter.’”

FEEDBACK Regarding the widow treated badly by her friend (Dec. 9):

Reader – “I got a whiff from the letter of ‘that widow is out to get my husband’ syndrome.  Maybe compounded by the other woman’s belief/suspicion that her husband had previously had feelings for the widow.

“My current lovely partner, a widow before we met, assures me that it’s a real thing.”