I'm married and was in a long-term affair that ended this year when my husband found out. I decided to try and save my family and make it work, but it's so hard after many months. I'm still thinking of my lover whom I loved so deeply.

I fantasize about him all the time and I cannot even sleep in our bed with my husband anymore as I miss the other man. I'm hurting both men I love at the same time but cannot seem to find a way to overcome my fear of telling my husband I still love this other man and we should seek a divorce.

I make excuses to myself, like it's not a good time, or will I have enough money to live on my own, or will my children hate me for splitting up our family, and the list goes on. I know my lover is going through a divorce and it's possible if I wait too long I could lose him as well. What do you suggest?

Fighting my heart!

Get honest with yourself: You're only "trying to save your family" because you got caught. And you're not really trying when just being there, but still rejecting your husband (visible to the kids if you sleep elsewhere). Moreover, you're not trying to focus on anything but missing the other guy.

As for divorce, there's never "a good time," you will have to figure out your finances on your own, and your children will not understand for at least several years to come.

That said, if you continue to keep your mind and heart firmly placed elsewhere, you're not much good to this family, emotionally.

So start trying to figure YOU out, not which man is the better lover or more loved.

Was it the escapism of a long affair that enthralled you - in which case, getting together openly may never be the same. Does something in your past cause you to be restless? If so, counselling might help. Or did you marry the wrong guy? A "yes" means you need to speak up and let him decide if he wants to stay with you.

I married a much younger woman; we have three young sons. She had an affair with my friend for several months, till I found out.

He apologized and explained that they'd developed a bond of understanding and close communication.

Truthfully, I'd not spent enough time with her. She, too, apologized. She had desired someone younger, but has difficulty talking about it. I can't understand how it's possible to love someone and do this, but she does love me and wants us together.

Months later, it's still difficult for me. I think about hurting her as well, just leaving. But what about the kids, family, friends? What would she do, with no job? I think I took life and marriage for granted; this is not my first marriage.

Confused

Hurting her for revenge will end up hurting you and the kids. You may decide to leave her if you can't get past her affair, but for the kids' sakes and the love you both still profess, you need to try.

She's given you one reason for why it happened, and you acknowledge some contributions of your own. Now it's not about blame, but how to make your marriage better, with deeper communication, and more time together. See a marital therapist together, and work on these. Building a happier relationship is far better than revenge.

FEEDBACK Regarding the hurt step-mom whose step-kids had no time for her, didn't send her cards, etc:

Reader - "I have two such step-daughters (their mother's alive) who cannot even send me an email on my birthday or Mother's Day. For 20 years I showered them and their children with gifts, and entertained them. Now I've stopped. Their father can do whatever he must to see them, buy them gifts, etc.

"Parents created selfish "monsters" by not making them write thank-you notes, devise creative little gifts for others, nor help them learn to feel empathy for the poor and sick. And by just loading them up with gifts and treats."

The Party's Over

Ellie - "It's understandably disappointing that in 20 years you and their father couldn't influence these two to be less selfish. But their mother may've exerted a stronger message of bitterness or divided loyalty, which happens often from divorce."