I'm female, 60, in a 23-year relationship. My spouse is from another culture, eight years younger than me. He's never given me reason for jealousy, and I'm not the jealous type.

This year he went to a high school reunion with classmates he hadn't seen in 30 years. I was ecstatic for him. When he later showed me photos, I saw a picture of a woman and commented how pretty she was. He immediately said, twice, that she was married.

He suddenly changed his Facebook name to one they used to call him, and then blocked me. Soon, he was always on his cell phone and becoming very secretive. It made me suspicious.

He planned another get-together with a guy friend in Philadelphia. I wasn't invited. He said there'd be no others present, but I didn't believe him.

When he left, I snooped for the first time. I could still see his friend list, saw her name, then a picture of them together on her page. What he'd written as comment was very revealing.

When he returned I asked if she was there. She was! He finally confided that during the reunion she'd confessed that during high school he was her first love... what guy could resist?!?

We share a phone plan and since April there were constant phone calls to her.

I was a wreck, crying every day. It upset him seeing me like this. In July he announced he was ending contact with her. The phone bill shows this, but I now cannot believe him.

I've also been unemployed and trying to find a job. I've not kept up female friendships. Heartache has become my negative buddy. It's affected my health. He's said he'd like to move out and be on his own but we cannot afford two residences.

I feel like such a burden that he has to be here and support me.

Miserable

Start looking after you. You're his partner, not a burden.

Yes, he had a fairly brief emotional fling.... there wasn't time or opportunity taken for much more, and he's stopped the frequent phone contact. Given the long absence from his classmates and background culture, it isn't that surprising, as you noted, that this woman flattered him.

Now, you need to re-build your life together. Couples' counseling will help you both get past this, and help you trust him again.

However, you also need to regain your self-confidence and be the woman he chose. Get involved in something you enjoy, even if you can't find a job.

FEEDBACK To the engaged woman who thinks another fellow she's always been attracted to, may be the right one (Sept. 27):

Reader - "All your life, you will meet other people who could potentially become partners. It's normal to feel attracted to someone else. This doesn't mean you made the wrong choice for your life partner. Part of making a successful marriage is to put blinders on to other possibilities, so you can do your best to make things work.

"Feelings are normal; it's acting on them that needs careful consideration. One way of deciding whether to leave your fiancé is to pretend that you already have. How would you feel seeing him with another woman, having children with someone else? Would you be willing to be alone, if things with the other person don't work out?

"If you're okay with those thoughts, you may not be in the right relationship now."
Wise In Brooklyn

FEEDBACK In response to Fitness Enthusiast who wants his girlfriend to work out more (Sept. 30):

Reader - "How about planning something once a week that's less of a formal exercise activity, but still something active that you can do together? I work out regularly but my husband who works 60 hours a week doesn't have the time that I do. However, on weekends, he plans an activity for the two of us for one of the days. He might choose a forest preserve to hike and explore, or a bike trail to ride. It's always something physically active but at the same time something that allows us to enjoy each other's company.

"It's also a more relaxed pace than a "workout" might be. It's been great for both of us from a health standpoint and as a couple. It's also a great break from my typical exercise routine."