I’m 20, had a three-year relationship with a girl I loved, but we broke up after moving in together. 

Then I was with someone who loved me, and I ruined her life with my lies.

Recently, I’d been sleeping with a close friend but when she said she loved me, I left.

My friends say I treat women as objects.

I want to find someone to love and trust, but of the past 10 women in my life, I’ve emotionally destroyed three. I did treat some as objects; in my defence, one treated me as an object.

I don’t feel remorse for what I’ve done.

Am I still in love with my ex of three years? Why can’t I feel love?

I feel as though I don’t love my family, or my friends, I just plain don’t love.

The things I’ve done to people who love me, shouldn’t be allowed.

- Cold in Ottawa

Let’s both be honest: you’re immature, and self-absorbed - evident from your need to blast into and right through relationships. You’ve been doing this since your teens, and still operating in that insecure way. 

Make the New Year a turning point towards shedding your armour of indifference.

Inside you’re scared of being hurt again. Well, so is everyone else. But by their 20s, most people understand that you can’t get emotional connection without taking emotional risks, and giving as much as you’re hoping to get.

It’s time to grow up, stop the same me-first pattern, which leaves YOU the loser, not the people you push away.

I’m widowed, having lost my soul-mate of 18 years; I later became attracted to a married man who loves me and has been very honest. 

Due to his age, finances and some legal difficulties, he’s unable to get a divorce. If he left her, he wouldn’t have anything, whereas I’m financially secure! But his legal problems may resolve soon –I expect him to leave his wife for me.

Meantime, I’m often unhappy due to many lonely evenings, weekends, and special occasions, no chance of holidays together or even a weekend. We talk on the phone a lot; he takes me for lunch twice weekly, and visits as often as he can.

I’ve suggested he leave and share my home but contribute his share of living expenses; he’s not prepared to do that without getting some money out of his house.

It’s a known fact that his wife and he discussed separating and aren’t sharing a bedroom.

I’ve tried to end this relationship but he usually finds an excuse to contact me and it continues.

Am I wrong thinking that if I didn’t have him in my life, it’d be empty? At my age (61) even single men have a lot of hang-ups, medical problems, etc.

I’m ready to ask him to make a final decision but I keep procrastinating.

- Hanging On

He’s still a married guy with excuses for not leaving; I suspect your inexperience as a single woman made you vulnerable to this typical dragged-out relationship of lunch-’n-“visits,” but no final deal. 

Frankly, you could be having a much fuller life of dating men who are at least available and good companions, plus going out with friends and family you enjoy, rather than waiting by the phone for crumbs of this man’s time.

Time to find out if he’ll EVER be free: Drop him, be busy when he calls, and let him know you’re not available until he is, too.

My fiancée and I want to attend a pre-marriage course for couples, though we have a fantastic relationship. 

I was raised Catholic and am aware many churches offer such courses, but we’re both agnostic and would prefer a secular-type course. How do we go about finding it?

- Getting Prepared

You’re wisely seeking to do the preparatory work that can bring you into your marriage with greater understanding of yourselves, as well as of each other’s core values and goals. This will help immensely in developing shared and realistic expectations. 

Check out this North America-wide resource: Smart Marriages - The Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, at www.smartmarriages.com. It’s a clearing-house, which aims to help couples find marriage and relationship education information, plus classes, books, DVD’s and other informative materials.

The web site states that the Coalition is non-denominational, non-partisan, non-sectarian and is supported solely through its annual conference.