I had a child, now 16, with my high-school boyfriend. We ended things badly; he’d been seeing someone else. He has two children with another woman. They split, and we renewed a "relationship."

I started to fall for him again just when he discovered he enjoyed his freedom. He said we should be just friends.

But I want to have a real relationship. I could easily slide back into old patterns but think I should move on.

Also, my friend said I should go out with a relative of hers. I didn't like getting set up. This was several months ago.

I now feel it may’ve been rude to say ‘No’ initially. Should I just look for love elsewhere or can I broach the subject with my friend? We are also co-workers.

Two parts to your question:

1) Move on. Your ex hasn’t changed since high school; he likes his women and his freedom equally.

Give your son a better role model of maturity – knowing when to cut your losses.

2) Tell your friend you’d like the set-up. You weren’t sure before, now you are.

BUT, don’t see this as “looking-for-love.” Be open-minded as to your first impressions and do NOT appear needy. A set-up is a meeting, nothing more.

I left my husband two years ago after a 17-year abusive relationship (verbally and emotionally). He treated our daughters, 14 and 15, just as badly. They’re now both in therapy, both with extremely low self-esteem, one with an eating disorder, the other one very overweight with extreme anxiety.

He asks for them individually to stay with him on alternate weekends.

Often, he'd end up arguing with them and call me to "Come get her.” Or he’d criticize them, reducing them to tears. Both are honour roll students, never in trouble.

They’ve now both decided they don’t want anything to do with him, and refuse to go.

There’s no separation agreement. He does pay child support regularly. He did loving things for them in the past, but all they remember is the abuse.

He accuses me of keeping the children away from him, and not "forcing" them to go. He doesn’t believe he was abusive.

Both asked their therapists what to do, both came back without answers.

Neither will write to him why they don't want to come (my suggestion). I tried to do this by e-mail tactfully; focusing on how important it now is to create happy visits.

He accused me of brainwashing them and not respecting his parental rights. He grew up in an abusive situation, I know he loves them and he’d never intentionally hurt them, but -- he did -- very badly.

Mother in the Middle

Respect your daughters’ rights, foremost, and do NOT pressure them to go. Tell him you know he loves them, and there’s some hope for a better relationship in time, IF he doesn’t pressure them either.

See a family counselor with your daughters to discuss their father together. He might eventually want to attend on his own and/or with his daughters if they’re willing, later.

Get legal advice, too. There are family law clinics and family courts in many jurisdictions, where you could seek direction.

Their father might threaten to withdraw support unless they visit - a financial weapon that’s also emotionally abusive. You can prevent this through legal help.

He needs to understand why he’s been rejected, and helped to see some solutions. That’s not your job, but legal and therapy advice can point the way.

FEEDBACK Regarding the writer concerned about her binge-eating (Jan. 26):

Reader – “As someone who’s been there, as a compulsive binge eater/food addict, I believe that one of the most important resources a binge eater can rely upon, is Overeaters Anonymous.

“Please advise your readers about this wonderful and very helpful 12-step program that will show the best way out of binge eating. The website is: www.oa.org and the writer can find a meeting near his/her location on www.oa.org/membersgroups/find-a-meeting.”

Reader #2 – “The National Eating Disorder Information Center is a valuable resource with links to Service Providers in each province, as well as out of country. You can find it at www.nedic.ca and I think it may be valuable resource for this person.”

Ellie – I welcome Readers’ references to resources and information that can help. The writer was “ashamed” to tell her family doctor but a medical check-up for health effects is also an important need.