My husband of 18 years has been intimidating, dismissive, and verbally abusive to our children, all under 14, and me.

He’s physically abused our older child (child protective services have been involved), and has no relationship with our youngest. Our eldest can be physically and verbally aggressive.

My husband’s estranged from his own family, has few friends. He’s isolated us - no visitors, and we rarely get invited out.

I’ve stayed and had counselling, but my resentment’s built.
Several years ago, he raped me twice within two months to “punish” me for something I said or did. Sex before that was always mostly about him having a physical release.

Since then, I’ve not wanted to be intimate with him, but I have out of fear. When I confronted him a year ago, he acknowledged that the incident may’ve occurred, but he doesn’t recall it.

He was certain that I misinterpreted or made it out to be much worse than it was.

Since then, I’ve struggled with staying. I’m scared of leaving, scared whether I can manage three children alone, both emotionally and financially. I do work full time.

He continues to pressure me for sex and doesn’t appreciate how I’ve been affected. Part of me hates him for everything he’s done to our family and me.

I cringe at the thought of being close to him, physically or emotionally.

I know what I have to do, but can’t seem to do it, despite the support of family and friends.

Stuck in Nightmare

Spousal rape is a crime in many countries including Canada, which means you can go have your husband charged. There’s no statute of limitations on rape.

That knowledge should strengthen your understanding of your rights in this situation, as well as your rights within the marriage, financially, and as a parent.

Rape is violent, abusive, damaging both psychologically and physically. You have every reason to still feel traumatized. I urge you to get rape crisis counselling – yes, still – and stay with individual therapy while you consider your next moves.

Equally important, see a lawyer, on your own, and privately. You work, and you’re entitled to child support so there’s no reason to fear being on your own, financially.

Your children also need counselling (the oldest one soon!) to deal with having this distant, difficult father.

You DO know what you have to do.

I recently posted on my Facebook wall that I was getting a “mani” while this guy got a “pedi.” He changed the TV channel to football… a total arrogant move.

So I posted that he shouldn’t have switched from the movie the rest of us ladies were already watching. Instead, he should go to a sports bar.

I never said anything to the guy in the salon.

Well, I was bombed with messages calling me stupid, accusing me of reverse sexism and even un-friended!
Was I out of line? How?

Annoyed in Reno

You aroused a social-media gender fight, which brought out the haters.

The guy wasn’t right. But in the cyber world of instant reactions, you pressed an Entitlement nerve – yours vs. his, females vs. males. He was as entitled to his nail clipping as others there, but what’s on TV isn’t guaranteed by the price.

You could’ve asked the spa manager to tell him that more people were watching the movie. Or asked him directly to consider that.

OR, finished your “mani” without comment, knowing you can watch the movie some other time, some other place.

I dated this guy a few years ago and have liked him ever since. Even though he broke up with me, we’ve always had this special connection.

We’ve almost gotten back together several times.

He just broke up with his girlfriend and I was the first person he talked to about it. We flirt all the time and I feel we could start something up again.

My best friend says I shouldn't risk getting hurt again.

Ready for Him

Do nothing… other than respond when he reaches out to you. He knows where you are, knows you’re available. If you jump in too soon, he may feel pressured. Or he may hope to get back with this girlfriend but hasn’t told you.

IF he shows interest in seeing you, get together very soon. But don’t rush him, nor provide “comfort sex.” He has to come after you, and stick around.