I met my boyfriend 18 years ago. We never dated then, we were just good friends, though we knew we liked each other.

He got married, as did I. I’m since divorced. Three months ago I met him, and he was on the last legal stage of his divorce.

Since then, we’ve been inseparable; it’s finally the right time for us. We love each other very much! We have long-term plans.

Though he’s been separated for a while, he just recently signed the divorce papers. He says (I agree) that he cannot tell his kids, ages 13, and seven, about us.

What’s a good strategy to prepare his kids and let them know about us, eventually?

He’s really concerned about his teenager and doesn’t want to affect them in any way. He's an excellent dad and wants the best for them, and I want to support him.

But I’ve never before been in a situation where I'm in the shadows, and sometimes that makes me feel bad and insecure.

Unsure What To Do

Your boyfriend is wise regarding his kids’ adjustment, especially the young teen’s reaction to a new woman in his life. It’s important that you both agreed to think through your approach.

Since you already feel that you know each other, the three months’ dating isn’t too early to talk to a child psychologist together about this.

You’re not “hiding” in shadows, you’re being responsibly discreet about your relationship until he’s done some groundwork to make their acceptance of you go more smoothly.

There are several books about post-divorce/children’s issues on the self-help shelves that you can browse to decide which ones seem suitable.

Be aware that as wonderful as it is for you two to re-discover each other, kids aren’t interested in adults’ romances, and won’t applaud the situation. Also, they’ll be dealing with their mother’s reaction, which will influence them.

If you respect the children’s perspective, and treat them kindly as an adult friend when you meet, without rushing your relationship into their lives, the better they’ll handle the reality of their dad loving someone “new.”

I just broke up with my boyfriend of six months because we weren't clicking right, and I missed the independence of being single.

We're still friends, but I'm trying to keep my distance for a few weeks so we can both move on.

Now, suddenly, while I'm not over that yet, I've been hanging out with another someone and developed feelings for him.

I'm not ready to get into anything, and I don’t want to tell him to wait for me to get my act together.

Also, these new feelings are keeping me from enjoying time with myself.

But I don't want to just stop hanging out with him.

Confused In Connecticut

You’re trying too hard to control every phase of a pretty normal run of events. You broke up, met someone, found new feelings.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. There’s no rule for how long to be on your own.

BUT, be aware whether you started hanging out so fast because you actually don’t know how, or like, being on your own.

Why? If that’s the case, you’ll keep doing the same thing…. rushing into involvements and then rushing away, with a goal of “independence” you don’t give a chance.

Nobody says you have to drop this new guy. Just be sure you don’t drop “you” again, and keep some time in any relationship, for yourself, alone, or doing whatever is just for you.

I had to drop off my vehicle at the car dealership for routine repairs. I walked to my husband’s nearby business; he was busy but said he’d drive me back to my home office. I had work to do.

He doesn’t want me to drive his BMW. I’ve never had accidents. After an hour’s wait, he was still busy, so I took a $25 cab home.
Am I unreasonable to expect him to say, “Sorry I’m busy, you can’t drive my car, so take a cab,” instead of making me wait? I’m wondering how you’d handle it.

Annoyed

I’m guessing that this incident isn’t your only relationship annoyance. The whole (minor) exchange speaks of busy, separate, and demanding work lives. It’s a fact of life, but can sometimes exclude the other partner, through self-interest.

My view: You share a home and a bed; you also get to share cars when it’s needed.