Dear Readers: If you missed my colleague Vinay Menon’s exaggerated plea to me for advice, here’s his “open letter” column of Sept. 25 in the Toronto Star (edited here for brevity by me):
“Are you out there, Ellie? No, my young wife, who has a boyfriend, is not trying to slowly poison me. Not yet, anyway (note: he includes links to my columns, what a great pal!)
“And, no, I haven’t created a creepy dynamic with my spouse after introducing ideas gleaned from pornography into our sex life. Just typing “sex life” left me as bewildered as that woman who wrote in asking if she should ditch her boyfriend in Mexico who has three children with two other women.
“Ellie, I need your professional advice.”
His problem? “How do I get my daughters to watch the playoffs with me, Ellie? If they don’t, I’m all alone this pandemic postseason.
“Help me, Ellie. The Jays are in the playoffs for the first time since 2016. And my girls don’t care. Time is slowly poisoning me.”
Here’s my answer to this writer who can make you laugh out loud with his over-the-top but dead-on insights about the powerful, the ordinary, and whatever quirk tickles his excited brain:
Vinay, you’ve said it yourself many times, and here’s my confirmation of the truth: You just don’t understand women.
Your twin daughters both have the “caution” gene, undoubtedly inherited on their mother’s side.
They can’t bear to watch the Jays in the playoffs because they’re steeling themselves for the worst.
Even young girls know when to anticipate a disappointment. Like you said, not “since 2016...”
That’s four years of them having heard your groans and endured your hurt silences after watching the boys of summer fade into fall.
Give it up, Vinay. These smart, self-protective, future leaders will find their own heroes-in-the-making and choose for themselves their commitment to a dream.
The Jays are your heroes, in your time.
And you’re a Dad – to be loved, tolerated and sometimes indulged. But not always.
Not till the Blue Jays are in the World Series again!
I’m a woman, 40, in a six-year relationship with a man who rarely wants any intimacy with me. He used to blame arguments, my weight, his own health issues. We went to counselling but it didn’t help very much.
He says he wants to have a child with me and we’re “trying" (once a month) but he’s also said in vitro fertilization would be easier.
I was feeling awful about it and thought I’d end the relationship, not because I didn't love him, but I certainly didn't feel that he loved me.
In a committed relationship, intimacy comes from love for your partner, in my love language. No intimacy, except on rare occasions over three-and-a-half years, meant no love to me.
Apparently sexless relationships for women in my demographic are more common than I thought. Feels really sad!
Sexless Love Life
Forget the demographic, this is about you, him, and the relationship. No intimacy, finding blame for it, preferring “in vitro” to avoid having sex...
It’s doesn’t describe a strong, healthy bond between you two, nor for sharing the challenges of raising a child together.
Confront your divisive issues in a frank discussion: You want more intimacy, he doesn’t. He wants a child, but his coldness leaves you unsure.
If those basic needs go unsatisfied, it’s time to end this non-partnership.
I’ve been friends with another Mom for a decade. Our daughters were fast friends in elementary school but no longer (different schools/interests).
For the last year, I’ve found we also have nothing in common. Getting together has become draining and annoying. She vents about her husband and job; I try to listen considerately and give feedback.
She frequently asks to get together and I always make excuses. I don’t like to “drop" people but am unsure what to do, especially as I’m really busy now.
Am I Ghosting a Friend?
Having the courage/honesty to just say you’ve become too busy to get together, is the best solution.
You’ve been a helpful listener for years, but since her complaints rarely change, she’s a “venter” looking for sympathy, not a course of action.
Be straightforward, but not unkind. Wish her well. Consider sending a greeting card at Christmas. No worries, she’ll very likely have found another listener.
Tip of the day:
However, the Blue Jays perform in the playoffs, they’re a beloved part of Toronto’s annual summer dreams.