My wife's been having an emotional affair through text-ing with another man for three months. Since I discovered this, she's vowed to work on our marriage and not speak with him at all.

I also found out her best friend quietly encouraged them to meet. I still love her, but my trust is totally shot. I wanted her to drop the friend, but she will not.

Shattered

"Working on the marriage" means she has to examine and acknowledge whatever caused her to connect, emotionally, with someone else. Distancing from the so-called "friend," who clearly enjoyed creating drama in another's life, is how your wife can prove she's serious about this second chance.

Her refusal may come from embarrassment.... perhaps she was all too ready for the friend's voyeuristic game. Nevertheless, this is when the two of you should spend more time together and less time hanging out with people who don't respect your marriage.

I have a cheating father. I'm 50. Should I step up to protect my mother? I hate him for other reasons but this cheating gives me justification to get back at him.

I think that my mother will be happy if I step up, and listen to whatever I say, including making her do things that make his life miserable.

I also told my siblings to support their mother. However, they believe that our parents' marital issues should be left to them and we have no business to take sides. That position really upset me so I called them traitors to Mother.

Please let me know where this will lead? Will my mother really be happy and be emotionally released? Is there something wrong here?

Adult Child's Role

Much is wrong, and it starts with your belief that you can manipulate your mother's emotions to get your own revenge on your father.

You may have reasons to hate him, but they have no place in your parents' personal business, unless your mother is at risk from your father.

His cheating is wrong, and you have every right to say so to him. That is between you two. If your mother tells you that she's unhappy or suspects your father's infidelity, she wants your support. But it's both immoral and potentially dangerous to use her to make his life miserable, for your purposes.

You'd benefit from getting your own counselling about your feelings towards this man. Also, calling your siblings "traitors" is factually wrong and only serves to isolate you in your own anger. Make up with them, if you want a family connection in the future.

My son and daughter-in-law have separated. He's moved across the country and isn't as involved with his young son, age 11, as we, the grandparents, think he should be. He's always been a self-interested guy, and now is putting far more into his career than his child's stability, at this difficult time of divorcing.

Will we be causing more harm in this situation if we tell him so, by pushing him further away from his responsibilities, out of anger at us?

Concerned Grandparents

Focus on your grandson. Visit as often as his mom and you agree upon, and make your time with him loving and encouraging, without chat about his dad or the divorce - unless he raises it.

Anything you'd say to him on that topic should be discussed with his mom first, for continuity and to avoid confusing the child or making him feel in the middle.

My daughter's best friend (both 12) frequently gets into trouble at home and is grounded even when they've planned outings, or sleepovers.

We learn this when we call to pick her up. I recently told her mom I was frustrated, as this was punishing my daughter, too. She blames her child for not doing what she's told to do. But I'm getting angry at the punishment decided by her, for my child.

Still Frustrated

You cannot interfere with the mother's method of disciplining her own child (so long as there's no child abuse).

But you can try to have a more positive relationship with this mom, which may also work well for the girls. Tell her what a good child her daughter is when on an outing, and call her the day before their planned get-together, to say you hope she can still make it. This mom likely needs encouraging support, not judgment.