My husband, 58, works with many women. He particularly bonded with a 28-year-old former lingerie model.
I became aware of his odd behaviour (going to bed early, while hiding his phone from me). After he fell asleep, I found a message: “Goodnight, my cowboy!”
When confronted, we both lost sleep and weight over the following months and talked every day for hours.
He claimed he never slept with this person or anyone else in our 15-year marriage. I totally trusted him.
He then cleared his phone of all female numbers pertaining to work and declared his love and dedication to me. He went to counselling to prove how much he wanted us to work. Flowers and gifts were brought home regularly.
Months later, when we went with relatives to a resort, he’d lose his train of thought while talking whenever a large-breasted young woman walked past or sat nearby.
I LOST it on the beach in public. Despite all his declarations of love, changed behaviour and counselling, it all came crashing.
My husband and his young co-worker had started an emotional affair out of innocence, he says.
One day she told him her problems, which started a daily talk. Eventually they shared intimate details of their relationships and their emotional affair began, six months before I found out.
I contacted her through searching her phone on Facebook and confronted her, rather kindly.
She was sending my husband sexy pictures of herself in lingerie and then started sending porn of what she’d like to do with him.
She called him her “cowboy” when he started reciprocating with naked pictures of well-endowed cowboys.
So, all the talking, counselling, gifts, romance, travel, declarations of love, had added up to nothing. I experienced all this within this past year.
Did I mention that I’m 60 with an awesome figure, flat stomach, shapely legs, etc.? So, I was feeling confident and sexy on Valentine’s Day when I dressed for seduction. Instead, my husband started an argument with me, then later suggested we watch a movie.
All the signs of disengagement were there. I learned about his co-worker a week later.
Now, he’s totally changed his behaviour. He’s attentive, cuddly, always around home and wanting to be with no one else but me. He daily declares his love. Our sex life has always been good.
I see in his heart that he’s trying and that he doesn't ogle women any more.
However, I feel that I’ll never find the depth of love I once had for him. I periodically feel contempt.
He asked me not to give up on us and believes it will only take time until I’ll never have doubts. I tell him that I’m still not there, he says we will be soon.
I’ve had counselling and read so much material myself. I have a good life. A divorce will only cause financial ruin and upset our whole family. So, I feel it’s best to pretend.
You can only pretend a while. Eventually, a “good life” feels hollow if you have to swallow contempt.
He can only have to “prove” he’s trustworthy, for so long.
If his cheating remained emotional, not physical, then he could keep telling himself that it wasn’t too serious (though it later proved devastating to you).
Most marriages experience changes, disappointments, and hurts.
Now, much has improved between you two. But to give it a true chance, you both need to rise above the past.
I'm 64, still feeling like 30, with energy for sex. But my loneliness is taking over.
My wife’s younger than me. I love her but our marriage became fights/misunderstandings for the past seven years.
Should I divorce her or find a mistress?
Hurt and Confused
If you think “finding a mistress” involves less turmoil in your marriage (and with the new woman), you’re mistaken.
Mistresses require attention and some financial support (not so different from a marriage, and can just as easily lead to arguments). And wives who say, “get sex elsewhere” still get angry/jealous when it happens.
What to do instead: Deal with the source of the arguments. If your wife doesn’t want any sex with you, ask why. If you need a new approach, try tenderness, and pleasuring her first.
If she experiences pain with sex, encourage her to see a doctor. If she no longer loves you, then seriously discuss divorce with her.
Tip of the day:
Dwelling on past hurt, despite current evidence of love and devotion, makes even a “good life” feel hollow.