I’m early-50's, married 30 years with three almost-grown children. My marriage has always been rocky – I’ve suffered verbal, emotional, mental and physical abuse.

I stayed with him for the kids’ sakes and for financial reasons.

Now many of the old stresses are over, we get along, rarely fight, but haven't had sex in many months. We’re more like good friends.

But I no longer love him.

I’ve recently discovered there’s more to life than settling. I have no interest in saving or preserving the marriage.

My first love from college, whom I’ve not seen for over 30 years, contacted me recently and we now talk and text very frequently.

We’ve fallen deeply in love again and although we’re not having an affair, we’re planning a life together within the next couple of years.

How do I inform my husband? Do I tell him about this man, or just that we’ve not had a real marriage in years and this is best for us both.

He won't understand and will do everything possible to keep me from leaving.

Unless, if I mention the other man, he may not want to keep me.

But I wouldn't want my kids to lose respect for me. Their father will go through an angry stage where he tries to turn them, family, and friends against me.

Leaving Anyway

He’s going to react badly no matter what you tell him. Since you expect anger and he’s been physical before, say nothing about your plans other than to leave.

He’ll badmouth you either way, worse if he thinks you’ve cheated, so tell your children and close people as soon as you tell him.

Be straightforward. You’ve done what you both believed was necessary to raise a family. But you don’t want to spend the rest of your life in a holding pattern, you both should have more out of life now.

Talk to a lawyer privately very soon (not one you share) and deal with the immediate issues of where you’ll live and how, financially, the separation will work.

Your plans with this other man aren’t part of that discussion, either.

Then take time to be sure you’re ready for a full relationship with this man.

You need more than stars in your eyes as you look ahead.

Think self-protectively and practically, and if you’re still sure, go ahead after your legal separation’s in place, and your children eased into meeting him.

My friend’s mom recently told mine that she’s lost most of her other friends from middle school into high school.

I feel badly for her but she can be very friendly awhile, then toss you to the side. I can never rely on her.

This has happened plenty of times, but I’ve never called her out on it.

She acts like everything’s a competition that she always wins.

After 10 years, I don't want to lose her as a friend. Yet she deserves this coming to her, and needs to be put in her place.

Torn

You’re sounding punitive rather than caring. Don’t resume the friendship just to tell her off.

Instead, ask her what’s happened with her other friends. Then, gently, tell her that you’ve noticed that this has happened before and wonder if she knows why.

If she’s willing to talk about it, fine. If not, just say you don’t want it to happen between you, but you think after ten years you two have a friendship worth working on. It’s worth one more chance.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who wanted to honour her brother’s memory with a tattoo (Jan. 13):

Reader – “It’s too soon to decide whether to get this tattoo.

“I have a tattoo in memory of my daughter who passed when she was age nine.

“It took me 10 years and persistence from my other daughter to finally get it. It was one of the best decisions of my life.

“I'm not saying wait that long, but if you feel it in your heart that it’s something you need to do, neither your boyfriend nor anyone else should deter you from getting it.

“My daughter found the initial picture and the tattoo artist took it from there. It was perfect.

“Perhaps just going and talking to a tattoo artist may help you make your decision.”

Ellie – Thanks for sharing, since getting a tattoo is a very personal, lasting decision. Take whatever time is needed to grieve fully, first.