I've been separated from my wife for 18 months. We talk and see each other weekly, sometimes just a quick coffee, and sometimes overnight.

I feel every time we start to get close she runs and it’ll be a couple days till she contacts me. When I get frustrated and say we’re done, she puts forth an effort and once I get pulled back in, she wants her space again.

Lately, things have been going great and suddenly I get told, “this isn't working, I need time apart.” Four days later, she’s asking how I'm doing and wants to get together.

Then, when I ask to work on things she says, “I don't know how I feel, I don't know if I'm there yet.”
Last few days, I found out she has dates or is going on dates, but yet she tells me she loves me. It's been a real yoyo experience.

What am I to do?

Man on a String

Yes, you’re being jerked around emotionally.

It’s because she’s up and down herself. For whatever reasons, she’s wanting to be on her own (free to date), also misses you, wants familiar sex, attention, and comforting, and mostly wants to keep you as fallback if  “alone” doesn’t work out.

Call a full break. Separated doesn’t mean “on call.” Start thinking about how you’ll proceed if you stay apart. I’m talking about logistics, not whether you date.

The serious considerations: If there are children, how will you share custody? Where will you each live if you stay apart? How will this be financed?

Once you take your mind past the drama of an In/Out relationship, she won’t be able to tug a string to have you come running to her side.

If, after six months of a complete break – contact only when necessary and mostly not in person – you both are still unsure of being apart, then get counselling and make sure she’s not just hanging on again until someone else comes along.

I cheated on my husband two years into the marriage when I’d had a new baby and he was never home.

It was a one-time sexual encounter with a neighbor who luckily moved away soon after. I had never thought I’d cheat, but I was very lonely in the marriage.

I didn’t confess, I stayed in the marriage for years, and worked on me… getting out of the house, getting a job, advancing. And, trying to be a good wife as well as mother.

But my husband was self-absorbed, not emotionally there for me. After I divorced, I fell in love and never cheated on my current husband. I love him and wouldn’t ever risk what we have.

Took the Risk

As with any big risk, you were lucky that it didn’t explode in your face by getting caught. Or, you might’ve been divorced a lot sooner, under a shadow of guilt and betrayal.

However, you then tried hard to make the marriage work, and eventually knew for sure that it didn’t… and not because you were emotionally attached elsewhere, or were running away.

For your child’s sake as well as your own, it’s a lot healthier to know you gave it a chance.

Cheating’s often used as an escape, or to confirm to oneself just how unhappy an existing relationship is.

But what’s needed most is a rational look at what’s needed to help the couple improve their connection. And then, either change, or a decision.

I stayed 12 years with my ex-husband though I was miserable. He rarely wanted sex, was interested in me as cook, and mother to his children.

He said he loved me, but there was rare spontaneous affection. I had the kids early on, so felt stuck… also he was a decent father. But I felt I was suffocating until I had the courage to get a divorce.

Had to Leave

Staying for years AFTER you’ve already recognized that a relationship is making you miserable isn’t healthy… not for you and not for the kids either.

Your husband’s statements of love may’ve been the best he could offer as someone distanced emotionally, but it wasn’t enough for you.

It’s never wise or fair to rush to divorce, but when you know the misery isn’t going to lessen, you need to make the call.

I sincerely hope you helped your kids deal with his emotional reserve.