My partner of over one year and I had mutually strong feelings, but there was much arguing, disagreements, and distrust.

I’d always had insecurities and trust difficulties in relationships. He wasn’t overly patient, so our personalities weren’t a great fit. I’d want reassurance that he only wanted to be with me, and the smallest things piqued my distrust.

I was emotionally abusive and he’d react in anger. He repeatedly suggested counseling, and offered to go with me. I never went. After a year, he insisted we break up though both of us were devastated.

I started counseling, and learned ways of dealing with my issues. He and I continued to see each other - alone, but kept it secret. We took small trips together, and were physically intimate.

I accepted this clandestine union, which wasn’t great for my emotional health, for over three years. When I requested being together officially again, he refused, and stopped speaking to me.

One month later, a male colleague asked me on a date. I soon had feelings for him. He’s better suited to me then my ex, and is very patient and respectful.

I told him about my past struggles with insecurities and trust. He’s been previously cheated on, which affects his trust, too. We’ve been dating seriously for one month.

Then, my ex called. He still loves me. He said he’d go to counseling with me.

I know I’ll always love him. However, I know the new man’s better for me, and I for him.

Yet part of me thinks it’s a good time for my ex and I to try again, as I’ve grown emotionally.

Two Men and Uncertainty

Take an emotional rest. Give some time to YOU instead of choosing between full-time partners.

You’ve kept yourself riding an emotional roller-coaster for years, by staying in a tough union, even continuing it secretly, then rushing into something new.

Counselling’s taught you a few strategies, but it’s been all about you relating to others, rather than truly knowing yourself, your own needs as an individual, how you want to live in the future, etc.

You’re not ready to re-connect with your ex just because he misses you (or heard you were with someone new). And starting up so quickly with someone with similar distrusts to your own is very problematic.

Take a man-break. If you feel you can’t, get more counselling.

I have a huge crush on a guy at work but I don't know if he feels the same way. He liked my Facebook profile picture and when he sees me, he always says hi.

He frequently goes out with his friends to bars and clubs, always surrounded by pretty girls and has many pictures with them. I heard from another guy that he gets a lot of girls and he’s a "player.”

So, how do I get his attention and get him wanting me? I've been trying to be the "guys-want-what-they-can't-have" girl, but it's sooooo hard!

Eager Girl

If you’re planning to write the book on, “How to get involved with a Bad Guy and Suffer,” you’re on the right track.

You need to ask yourself, why this guy? You think a “player” is a fun challenge? Wrong. They’re generally arrogant, insensitive heart breakers. And they can spot an easy mark a mile off.

Be the girl he can’t have, period. It starts with self-respect, and personal standards, both far more important long-term than a crush which, in this case, is just foolish fantasy.

We’ve been invited to an expensive Destination Wedding. Is a wedding gift expected too? They’ve been living together for several years.

Costly Invite

If you can afford the trip and want to attend, you can likely afford a modest gift, so choose something reasonably-priced. Or, if you’re stretching financially, state that your presence is your present.

If the trip’s too expensive, send a gift and your regrets. How long they’ve lived together isn’t counted into gift giving, which celebrates a new phase of life together.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who borrowed money for her husband’s tuition (Sept. 21):

Reader – “She borrowed the money, not him. She needs to pay it back, through a credit card account or a bank check. Or even by getting a job.
“If she has no access to shared credit cards or checking account, it isn't much of a marriage. She might as well break it up.”