I love my husband (together 13 years). I think he still loves me, but I feel rejected by lack of intimacy for the past year.

There’ve been stressors - moving, parents’ health, and work issues - but he’s stressed by any little thing and can't relax.

He doesn't want to make love because he doesn't feel sexy. Prior to this yearlong abstinence, when we did make love, he’d complain right after about us being too big.

Or, if we talked about having a baby, he'd say after sex, “Maybe now you’re pregnant and we can stop talking about it.”

That made me feel he had no interest in me, and that he was doing me a favour. I haven’t pursued sex since, because I don't want to force it.

I've been moody and angry, scared of feeling rejected, or that he’ll respond to me as needy, and then dismiss me so he can worry about work or his computer again.

I'm paranoid now. Whenever he lies beside me and gives me a hug, I reassure him I'm not asking for anything.

Frustrated and Scared

You’re frustrated and angry with good reason. You’re a partner, not an annoying pet to be stroked occasionally and dismissed.

Do NOT be scared to speak up as an equal and ask what’s really going on.

What does he mean about “both being too big?” Perhaps he’s embarrassed at his own weight, and trying to make you feel badly, too. Or he doesn’t want a child. Or perhaps you do both need to get fitter, feel healthier, and re-energize your sex life.

Insist on getting to the reason for his distancing. Then focus on how to deal with it, together… or it’s time to consider your options.

A life-long male friend recently underwent an identity crisis and re-emerged as a very angry anti-establishment activist. He lived out of the country. When he returned, he stayed with one of my female friends, who took him in until he found his own place.

After a month, he walked in on her sleeping and raped her for an hour. This is what she’s saying he did.

As a woman, my first reaction is to believe her and remove him from my life. But as a friend, I feel I’ve failed him by not allowing him to give his side of the story. He’d been a thoughtful and generous friend for 20 years.
Although she pressed charges, it’ll be some time until the trial, and meanwhile I need to know what’s ethically right to do.

Should I give him a chance to explain, or automatically believe the girl and shut him off completely? I feel unequipped to judge this situation.

Hideous Dilemma

A court of law will judge him. Meanwhile, he’s innocent until proven guilty. However, something went terribly wrong between those two. Your ethical position is to stand back until you know the facts.

It seems unlikely she’d press charges if there hadn’t been some serious incident. Hearing “his side” is equally unlikely to assure you it’s the whole truth, until the trial. Also, it seems he hasn’t contacted you.

If you feel you must speak to him, say you’re awaiting the trial with interest and concern, and hope there’s an explanation that’ll allow you to be friends again. Then back off.

If you were close with this woman before, encourage her healing and make no judgments here either. Also, avoid others’ pre-trial gossip and assumptions. The facts and evidence will guide your long-term responses.

Who calls whom first on a holiday? As a grandmother, age 80, do I call my kids and grandchildren or do they, out of respect, call me?

Grandma H. 

Don’t stand on ceremony, it doesn’t help when what you really want is a connection. Every generation experiences phases of being self-absorbed and “too busy.” Call, be cheerful, and show interest in what they’re doing. It’s the wise model you can provide, of love and respect, for them to hopefully follow.

FEEDBACK Regarding the daughter whose mother was jealous of time spent with her boyfriend’s family (Sept. 20):

Reader – “With my own mother, no amount of re-assurance about my life’s choices and challenges was enough. I finally realized that a healthy, adult mother-daughter relationship wasn’t possible.

“Sad” should know that if this happens, it’s about her mother’s lack of self confidence and self-esteem, not anything that “Sad” has or hasn’t done.”