I’m a single woman, early-40's, my 20-year marriage ended three years ago.

A year ago, I was set up by a friend for a date. After talking for hours, he said he wanted to see me again. Two days later, he texted: “Sorry, you’re not my match.”

Next, in a department store, an attractive guy said I was beautiful, asked if I were single, and could we meet for coffee.

I thought I should be open to new people. We met for a drink in a public place and he insisted I come to his place the following day.

I said No, and never heard from him again.

I tried online dating, and numerous men sent me pictures of their manhood.
But I met and dated a very attractive man, exclusively, for five months.

Until he texted, “The sex is amazing, but I hate dogs and we’re not on the same page.”

I’m not desperate, not jaded, maybe a little naïve, but not stupid.

Ellie, where did all the gentleman go?

Seeking Good Men

The men have been around, lived through social changes (just as you did), some got jaded, but not all.

Keep being open to meeting people, but remember that being “naïve” wasn’t helpful choosing a serious partner even when you were young, and certainly isn’t now.

Strangers carry risks. That applies to people you meet in a store, as you found, and also to online dating, where it’s essential to learn to read profiles selectively.

If you, or a man you meet, have issues re: smokers, pet owning, etc., air them fast.

Do NOT enter into a relationship until you’re clear on each other’s values, have met closest family/friends, are certain of their single status, and have basic knowledge of each others’ financial stability.

Our son moved to Seoul, South Korea, married a Korean woman, and they now have a one-year -old daughter.

On our first visit, his in-laws gave up their bedroom for us.

On our next visit, they gave us a spare bedroom, and provided new sheets.

They’re very nice people, but the language barrier and the vastly different cultural values made visiting a bit difficult.

This summer, our son, his wife, and child are coming to Canada for two months.

Her parent's, sister, brother-in-law, and their child are also coming for three weeks, will travel, but stay with us for 10 days.

In our two-bedroom house, all but us and her parents will have to sleep on mattresses on the floor.

I think they’ll accept that, but feeding them all on our fixed income is the issue.

We're afraid that anywhere we go (restaurants, etc.) we'll be expected to cover all costs.

Our lovely daughter-in-law is very protective of her parents’ feelings, so we're afraid to voice our concerns to her, for fear of insulting them.

They’re very well off, and used to hosting large family gatherings.

Anxious Father

Tell your son directly what you can handle – e.g. the sleeping arrangements – and detail what you’re concerned about.

He know you’re not affluent, but may not realize the level of expense you’d be facing to reciprocate their generosity.

He must explain the difficulties to his wife, so they can try to work things out with her parents.

She may suggest different solutions (especially since they can well afford a hotel, and split restaurant bills).

Most important is to avoid having them arrive to a situation in which all of you feel uncomfortable.

FEEDBACK Regarding "Stifled," the woman who’d lost her ability to speak assertively (January 1):

Reader - “I suggest an organization called Toastmasters, which helps people build self-confidence through speech-making.

“The club’s structure is supportive and welcoming. When she's ready to participate, she can proceed at her own pace.

“She can introduce herself, explain how to do a task, learn to express an opinion, etc. Please invite her to look up www.toastmasters.org for a club that suits her locale.”

Ellie – Toastmasters International has existed since 1924, and currently has 332,000 memberships throughout its 135-country network.

Members learn not only to speak up in work meetings, but also build self-confidence to assert themselves generally, and many have used that confidence to take on leadership roles in the workplace, and in service organizations.

This would be a good start for “Stifled,” but she also needs counselling regarding her relationship in which she feels she’s “lost her own voice.”